The Two Friends Every Woman Needs

By Lise Funderburg

Friendship is priceless
Friendship is priceless

I used to form friendships based on how much my gal pals and I had in common. I didn't go so far as to check blood type or astrological sign, but I certainly gravitated toward those who shared my tastes in music, food, fashion, and (what at times could be problematic) men. Inevitably, in the self-contained worlds of classroom learning, dorm living, and career launching - there's nothing more bonding than comparing horror stories of bad dates and awful bosses - we also shared a birth year, plus or minus one.

Related: The Power of Touch

Now that I'm a little older (and, debatably, wiser), I've discovered a new set of friends: women from different generations. "Bridging the generation gap not only increases the friend pool, but it also expands and supports mental well-being," says Anna Kudak, Ph.D., coauthor of What Happy Women Do. "Friendships with older and younger people help broaden your perspective, which in turn allows you to have compassion and empathy in your day-to-day life."

I developed a friendship with my neighbor Kit, a good 30 years older, over years of consistent casual contact. In our conversations by the backyard fence, we shifted from talking about the weather (and neighborhood gossip) to discussing the joys and challenges of parenting, our often unrequited love for gardening, and our recipes for the latest baked goods. I knew our friendship had reached a new level when Kit began asking for the occasional ride to a doctor's appointment. She was a private person, and the favor signaled a level of trust and intimacy that I treasured and that I've missed since Kit passed away, at 80, last year.

Related: Voluntarily Happy

Then there's M'Balia, a dozen years my junior, whom I met at a birthday party four years ago. We've bonded over all the big stuff (family, religion, the search for the perfect takeout burrito) and have laughed until we've cried at our mutually misguided efforts to help each other out during the occasional wardrobe emergency: Her bright, cleavage-revealing shirts make me look like I'm trying too hard; my offerings make her look like she's given up. ("Really?" she's asked, holding up my admittedly drab tunic as if it were radioactive.)

Whether with older or younger women, those friendships connect me to where I've been and where I'm going. Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., coauthor of Friends Forever: How Girls and Women Forge Lasting Relationships, says, "What was confirmed in our interviews with hundreds of girls and women was that the friendships that stood the test of time were not those built on 'shared demographics' alone. Although we may find ourselves in casual friendships with women who are similar to us - in age, motherhood status, career choice, social class, etc. - the relationships that will deepen and grow are built on much more personal and meaningful factors. The friendships that endure are those that provide unconditional acceptance, compassionate honesty, and mutual trust. We need friends who have been around the block a time or two and will help us turn the corners in life as well as friends who will energize and inspire us with new perspectives and unique insights - and who may also appreciate our support as they navigate their ways through life!"

Read on for five ways to make and keep decade-spanning friendships!

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