10 Things Guys Include On Their Online Dating Profiles...But Shouldn't

This week one mom launched the dating site, Date My Single Kid, to pawn off her own very adorable 31 year-old son, Colby. Balk if you must (actually, don't--that's a terrible sound) but Colby's mom may be on to something. Just as some grown men need a little help from mom with fashion, they also need a woman's touch when it comes to self-promotion.

In the name of science (okay under the name 'Science'), I scrolled through hundreds of male profiles on online dating sites like Nerve, Match and OKCupid to find the 10 most common blunders guys make when profiling themselves. But I know there are more so drop them in the comments section!

1. NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR CHEST
I mean we do, but when we're alone in bed with you. At this point, it's more important that we see you're jacked...on the inside. It's also more important that we don't see your chest. Proof that you work out, possibly obsessively, and with the help of injections is something we'd rather find out never.

2. THAT'S GREAT THAT YOU OWN A TUX!
I'm pretty sure most men don't own cameras, because the only pictures they seem to have are from other people's weddings. Or maybe they just want to prove they have the ability to fix themselves up. But Best Man costumes--purple ties, silk cumberbunds, etc-- are the kind of outfits only moms think are handsome. Plus a wedding suit usually comes with a wedding date-- likely an ex girlfriend--who's been crudely cropped from the photo. That just makes us sad. Also you're drunk.

3. OMG! I ALSO LOVE HALLOWEEN!
I think Halloween costume photos are supposed to engender a child-like spirit, but a skeleton face or a Clockwork Orange eye is just kind of creepy. It's also a crap-shoot as to whether the photo was taken on Halloween or just another Friday night.

4. LAID BACK? SIGN ME UP
A lot, I mean a lot, of guys describe themselves as "laid back." Sure a mellow guy who "goes with the flow" is appealing, especially on Phish tour, but its hardly number one on anyone's mating bucket list.

5. YOU HAVE WOMEN FRIENDS? HOW PROGRESSIVE!
The only thing worse than cropping out a girlfriend in a profile picture is keeping her in. Even if that adorable pixie kissing your cheek is just a great friend, I'm going to assume she's your lady. Posting a picture of yourself with a lady is like saying, "we can date, but she's going to have come along." In the words of a young Sean Astin, "Down here is our time." Not yours and hers.

6. WANT CHILDREN, PLEASE
If you're on a dating site and there's a box marked "I don't want children", don't check it unless you really, really, really, really never want children. And that should be because you have a chromosomal disease. Period. Not everyone you interact with online will want to mate with you. Likewise, not every woman online is dating to find a sperm donor. Maybe don't rule it out yet? We're just getting to know each other. Also, why do you hate children?

7. WAIT TILL YOU MEET ME TO DUMP ME
"I'm not looking for anything serious, just seeing what's out there and having fun." I'm sorry, was I coming on too strong by looking at your profile? Also don't tell me what I do that bothers you yet ("I don't want someone who needs to hang out 24/7" or "I need someone who doesn't have roommates"). I'm already tender.

8. WOW, YOU SURE LIKE A LOT OF THINGS
Go ahead, list a few movies, TV shows, and bands you like. It's fun! But don't copy and paste your Netflix queue. We don't really care as long as you've seen one movie once. Here's another one: if you don't read, don't list books. I don't read much either, it's cool. Sadly, no one does anymore, but lets be honest, "The Alchemist"?

9. WHAT IS THIS "FIGHT CLUB" MOVIE YOU SPEAK OF?
We know. It really hit a nerve for guys. Enough.

10. DON'T INSULT US BOTH, PLEASE
You know when you have to enter in "your most humbling moment"? Please, please, don't write "signing up for this site." Or anything of the like. The thing is, we're both obviously on the site cruising it, so if you're ashamed, then I'm ashamed too. And say we totally hit it off, are we going to have to make up a lie about how we bumped into each other at a coffee shop and how you spilled my coffee all over me and then we locked eyes and then our lips met and that's how grandma and grandpa fell in love? Well, that's kind of sweet, so okay we can do that. But still. (call me)

WE'VE GOT OUR OWN PROBLEMS: CHECK OUT 10 THINGS WOMEN INCLUDE ON THEIR ONLINE DATING PROFILES...BUT SHOULDN'T