10 Things Women Include In Their Online Dating Profiles...But Shouldn't

That is one free-spirited woman, right guys? That is one free-spirited woman, right guys?

Last week, I aired my grievances about the amount of bare chests, drunk wedding pictures and Fight Club references on men's online dating profiles. Despite a wealth of perfectly awesome guys, many are lacking in the self-promotion department.

Based on the opinion of several anonymous male online daters, the same could be said for us ladies. Apparently, there are things that we include in our online profiles that are major red flags-- or just majorly eye-roll worthy--and we don't even know it. And then there's the argument, if he doesn't get us, then he's just doesn't deserve us. Sure, we can go with that.

1. LOVE ME, LOVE MY MUSTACHE
So this is a thing. We like to include one whimsical photo where we have a drawn-in, store-bought or make-shift finger mustache. It's our version of the guy's Halloween photo. I guess it's supposed to say "I don't take to myself to seriously" or "I'm not afraid to look ugly which bodes well in the bedroom". But because it's such a common gimmick (seriously, look it up), it has led men to question what we're hiding underneath that false facial hair. Perhaps real facial hair?

2. I'M SNOW WHITE, GODDANGIT
I know, I know. Our cats and dogs are the coolest. That's why we like to post pictures of ourselves on walks with them, cuddling on a bed with them or dressing them like Mariah Carey. And a guy needs to know, before he dates us, that we're single mothers with a great deal of responsibility, juggling work, supplying kibbles, scooping poo and maintaining child-like, grammatically-challenged alter-egos with which we use to communicate to our four legged children. Why would anyone be turned-off by that? Jerks.

3. HERE'S A GREAT PICTURE OF MY CHEEK
This one kills me. They know. They're totally clued in about our better sides. When we post a picture of our faces in profile, or partially covered by a hand (or a cat), they can tell this is not random but intentional. And if all of our pictures only reveal that same angle, we're sending the message that the other side of our face has a Phantom of the Opera mask on it. They want full-frontal proof of our faces. Jerks.

4. BUT I'M STILL THE SAME ON THE INSIDE
So maybe we include a great picture from when we were backpacking in Europe 10 years ago. It was a formative time. So what? So they really don't like it when we look significantly older when they meet us in person. Even a photo with long, flowing hair from last year makes them feel betrayed when we arrive at the bar with a pixie cut. Remember that giant Chimp who flipped out on that woman he used to really like because she cut her hair? They're like that.

5. I'VE BEEN HURT BEFORE, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT
I'm with guys on this one. Leave your baggage at the Maury Povich call-back. Women who include anything about their exes or getting hurt in the past should immediately log in to their profile and delete till their keyboard makes a beeping sound.

6. HERE LIES THE RABBIT HOLE
So he looked at your photo but he didn't message you. And maybe he even looked at it again. Is he just shy? Does he recognize you from some work function? Is he pulling up your profile to show his friends how lame the choices are online? Maybe you should just write him a note letting him know that he's really screwing with your mind and frankly that's the last thing you need after all you've been through and if he likes you he should say it and if he's laughing at you with your ex-boyfriend he should also say it because you've got some stuff to say to your ex-boyfriend too and he might want to hear this if he's anything like your ex...Cool it, sister. Everyone's online for different reasons, and if you don't meet them in person, they really don't exist where you're concerned. So before you send a 12 page email or your 6th consecutive wink, press the emergency exit button on the right hand side of your laptop.

7. I THINK ANGELINA JOLIE IS HOT! DOESN'T THAT BLOW YOUR MIND?
Some girls aren't really bisexual but they play one on dating profiles. Don't check the bi-sexual tag and exploit that one sacred kiss you had with the pink-haired Classics major (what?) if your sole purpose is to draw attention from guys. This isn't a game of "I Never". This is real life. Well sort of. But your actions have Karmic consequences--like misleading actual, verified Bi and Lesbian women on the site who you never write back and as a result may suffer from the same spiral described in item 6.

8, 9, 10. THE DOCTOR SAYS I'M A GIRL. GOT THE PAPERWORK RIGHT HERE.
Yeah, this is probably the most important one. Don't advertise yourself as a woman if you have a penis. Everything else, guys will put up with. Even one through seven on this list are just suggestions but not deal-breakers from what I gather. Aside from the rare exception, most guys looking for love online are just happy when you're made of girl parts. And that's why we love the big lugs.