3 Things You Don't Know About a Man Until You Marry Him
by Aaron Traister, REDBOOK
My wife's guiltiest TV pleasures are The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. (I refuse to include General Hospital as a guilty TV pleasure, because, frankly, that's just quality entertainment.) I am not a fan, but because I enjoy spending time with my wife at the end of a long day, I have been known to sit in on a rose ceremony from time to time.
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Karel's favorite complaint about the show is that if the contestants were really serious about finding their soul mates, the dates would involve cleaning a shared bathroom or babysitting a 3-year-old who has just eaten an entire bag of chocolate chips. To her, it comes as no surprise that many of these relationships devolve into the stuff of tabloid fodder once the cameras are off and the couple is no longer floating around the French Riviera in a hot-air balloon filled with puppies and champagne. In the real world, the hot-air balloon is a 2003 Honda Element with a wonky rear brake light, the French Riviera is the train station in Trenton, NJ, and there will be an argument over directions that will result in the GPS getting thrown out the window. That's just how real-world relationships work, Karel says.
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Initially, I was in total agreement with her assessment. But the more I pondered it, the more I started to think she was missing the point of the show. For all the marriage talk during the last few episodes of each season, it is actually a show about dating. And when it comes to dating, the last thing any guy wants to do is show a woman anything resembling real. From the physical to the financial, every aspect of a single guy's life is as cleverly edited and overproduced as any episode of The Bachelor.
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I learned this a decade ago during my tenure as a bouncer at a New York City bar. There I saw all the deceptive ways men present themselves during the courting process. Looking back, I realize I was guilty of them too. Karel dated a very different Aaron than the one she settled into a long-term relationship with. Most women do. Let me explain.
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1. Single men are dripping in cash.
From the guy who casually assured his lady friend "not to worry about it" when it came to buying drinks, and then, after she was out of earshot, pleaded with the bartender for a break on the next round, to the regular who would scrawl his phone number on phony ATM receipts and give them to girls so they might catch a glimpse of how much he was (not really) worth, every guy in the bar wanted to look like he was in the black. I was no different. Dating Aaron always paid for dinners and movie tickets, not to mention the flowers he brought to Karel at least once a week.
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What Karel didn't see: All the cash that Dating Aaron was spending on flowers, wine, and Italian food was coming directly out of Real Aaron's rent, which he would then frantically scramble to pay at the end of the month (usually late). Real Aaron had a job but no bank account - he managed his money using a complex system involving a check-cashing establishment and a couple of coffee cans.
Karel was terrified of Real Aaron when she finally came to learn the truth about my financial situation, but by that time, it was too late: She was already in love with my other finer qualities. So from my perspective, everything worked according to plan.
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2. Single guys clean up nice (and often).
At the bar, we had regulars who would show up Monday through Thursday looking like they had come from a greased-pig-wrestling contest. But come Friday night, these same guys looked like they'd just graduated from the Derek Jeter School of Grooming and Hygiene. I was the same: Dating Aaron was always freshly shaven and showered. Dating Aaron didn't own much, so his apartment always appeared ordered. (Dating Aaron also had a tidy roommate who, unbeknownst to Karel, did most of the cleaning.) Dating Aaron once shared with Karel his belief that "a clean and organized house reflects a clean and organized mind."
Karel believed Dating Aaron. Then she married Real Aaron, of the stubborn sweat stains and greasy mullet. Luckily, Karel quickly picked up on the fact that as much as I love cultivating my "Pioneer Sheik" look, the beard will eventually get itchy, the unwashed shirt will start to smell, and I will, in the end, break down and clean up. I like to think she appreciates Prince Charming that much more when he finally makes his much-belated appearance.
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3. Single guys live for foreplay.
Dating Aaron was always thoughtful and giving when it came to sex. Dating Aaron worked tirelessly to ensure his partner's happiness and satisfaction. Dating Aaron was a patient and imaginative lover.
Real Aaron is as patient and imaginative a lover as a mountain gorilla in mating season. Working hard to ensure my partner's satisfaction is not my main priority now that I know she's committed for the long haul. I've discovered I'm pretty selfish when it comes to sex. Lemme put it like this: I know sex isn't a race, but it sometimes feels that way, and while I'd love to cross the finish line at the same time, I don't want to get disqualified while I wait for Karel to catch up. (In truth, I do feel bad about this one, so once or twice a month Dating Aaron reemerges from the shadows of our bedroom to lavish Karel with affection and make up for my usual selfish laziness.)
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So, was I guilty of false advertising? Oh, definitely. The only thing I can say in my defense (and possibly your guy's) is that a little dating dishonesty can be a sign of how hard he's fallen for you. I knew no one as amazing as Karel was waiting for a shot at a broke, smelly sex-ape. I saw my two futures - the one with her and the one without her - and I have no regrets about being a big phony to get what I wanted. I'm just thankful she fell for it, and then found something real in me to love.
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<< Read more from Aaron Traister's Whys Guy Q&A Blog >>
Need help decoding odd male behavior? Redbook columnist Aaron Traister, who lives in Philadelphia with his wife and two kids, is our resident male who is happy to answer any questions you might have about the mind of a man. Either leave your questions in the comments or email him at redbook@hearst.com with Whys Guy in the subject. Letters, emails, and comments may be edited for clarity and length.
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