4 Ways to Rock the Dating Sites! Take our Survey
What's with this guy? He doesn't care where I grew up, or that I run a mile a day and am often mistaken for Megan Fox.
Sorry, scratch the Megan Fox*. Every guy cares about La Fox. Let's try, "Brooklyn, runner, loves Hawaiian slack key guitar." But no, Dan, my online date, could give a hoot.
"Why did you break up with your last partner," he asks? "Do you have, any STDS? How many people have you slept with? Are you more Monty Python or Jon Stewart? What's your ideal age of marriage."
Geeze, Mr. ...
Ariely is his actual name, Dan Ariely. He's a professor at Duke University with PhDs in both cognitive psychology and business administration, who's explaining his latest research on Internet dating. Much of it is published in his new book, The Upside of Irrationality: The unexpected benefits of defying logic at work and at home. And because he's curious about your luck in netting love on the net, he's agreed to do a special research project just for Shine. But first:
Why Online Dating is so Frustrating
(* To clear things up, I am mistaken for Megan Fox about as often as Louis Vuitton goes on sale.)
So far, Ariely's studies show that online daters spend about 6 hours screening candidates for every 1 hour of actually meeting one-and that mostly leads to nothing more than a single, semi-awkward cup of coffee. Neither enjoyable, nor efficient. The reason? Dating sites break down romance into Googleable entries, and this is not how our hearts work, Ariely says. You learn about someone by being with them physically. "Beyond physical attraction, it's the je ne sais quoi that people have. The sites are trying to turn us into laptops. But we're much more like wine."
When his team asked online daters what qualities really matter in choosing a romantic partner, they described "experiential" ones, like a passion for Japanese anime or being crazy about Golden Retrievers. In fact, those qualities were about three times more important than "searchable attributes" like "blue eyes," "over 5-10", "college education," and "job in the financial industry"-especially for people interested in long-term relationships.
How to Find Love on the Internet
* Use the sites as a filter, and move quickly to meeting people face-to-face, says Ariely, who finds speed-dating way more effective.
* Don't enter search terms unless they really matter to you. Because of the way the sites are designed, it's tempting to add all kinds of terms (religious affiliation, height, salary) just because they're there. They only limit your choices.
* Create a virtual date. "In the real world, people learn about each other by going out and doing things," Ariely says. So in the cyber-world, you might point to a funny YouTube, or to an interesting website, and discuss it or explore it. You could even play an online game together.
* Cut to the important info: Where did you go to school? What did you major in? What do you do? None of this is really that important when it comes to love, Ariely says. He did another study (not in the book) in which his team created 20 questions, like the ones he was asking me-about humor, past relationships, goals for the future. When online daters used them, the whole process became much more exciting and fun, Ariely says. He suggests doing this yourself, by sending an email saying something like: "I know it's polite to ask about where you grew up and how many brothers and sisters you have. But what if we agree to focus on the questions we're most interested in? At any point, we can both decline to answer. What do you say?"
Want to participate in Ariely's Shine research?
TAKE THE SURVEY HERE!!
We'll be back to you with the results and more advice. In the meantime, have you found love online? Or are you just hating the whole thing?
For more on Internet dating....
How much should you fudge?
Creating cyber chemistry
Do you need an online dating "assistant"?
[Photo Credit: Getty Images]
[Illustration Credit: Getty Images/McMillan Digital Art]
