5 Ways to Be a Better Lover

By Romance Recovery's Johanna Lyman for GalTime.com

Be the best lover in bed. Be the best lover in bed. sex tips for women

I've had sex on my mind a lot this past week, in part because I've been experimenting with some new toys, all in the name of research, of course. To use a well worn phrase from our favorite kinky novel, I just have to say, "Oh my!"

It got me thinking about how I could be a better lover, and how women might be able to benefit from my insights. Here are my top five tips, with a little help from licensed sex therapist and resident sexologist at AskMen.com, Dr. Hernando Chaves:

1. Consider a Man's Point of View. Dr. Chaves' number one tip is that women need to understand how important the physical component of sex is for men. He says, "It's complicated for men to add romance... they feel a lot of pressure (to act like) characters in movies like The Notebook." If you want to be a better lover, surprise your man with a "quickie" before work once in a while. I don't want to imply that you should always let your man off the hook for being romantic or putting some effort into your sex life. Instead, think of an occasional quickie as a way to keep him on his toes. If you're not always predictable, he will be much more attracted to you sexually.

Related: 3 Mistakes Women Make in the Bedroom

2. Variety really is the spice of life. By variety, I mean not only changing positions or locations, but change your routine. Dr. Chaves says that "When you have the same sexual script or predictable process of sexual routine, it's deadly. It leaches sexual energy from the relationship." Instead of using your old, worn out script, Dr. Chaves recommends that you go back to some of your earliest moves. What turned you on when you were younger? Reintroduce those old favorites into your repertoire. Try making out at the drive in, or driving each other crazy with all your clothes on.

3. Explore your own body and discover what turns you on and makes you orgasm. If you can't do it for yourself, your partner doesn't stand much of a chance of pleasing you. Women's bodies are dynamic and complex. If you're a man, they are often mysterious and confusing. Help your man out by showing him the various routes to pleasure that are possible in your body. The better you understand the mechanics of what turns you on and gets you going, the more satisfied you'll be. And one thing that always turns a guy on is knowing that he's turning on his woman, so you're really doing both of you a favor.

Related: Four Biggest Mistakes MEN Make in Bed

4. Explore sexual enhancement via toys and role plays. Dr. Chaves often recommends these types of sexual enhancement to couples long term relationships when the spark seems to have sizzled out. From my own explorations, I will tell you that a little "enhancement" can raise the sexual temperature in your relationship by several degrees, sometimes in a matter of seconds. Don't worry about feeling freaky by suggesting something out of the ordinary; men can't stand sexual routine, so he'll be thrilled with the novelty if nothing else. It's true that some men are intimidated by sex toys. If you think that might be true for your guy, start with something small like a vibrating bullet (read more about sex toy options here).

5. Dump your baggage. You are WAY more critical of your physical appearance than your partner is, unless he's one of those sickos who gets off by emotionally abusing women. I always say that "sexy is a state of mind, not a dress size." Part of being sexy is having self confidence; when you're confident you carry yourself with a sense of grace that's very sexy. The bigger piece is how you really feel about yourself: if you're always criticizing yourself you won't feel or seem sexy. Women struggle with this; we have to fight a legion of social conditioning in order to discover that we're really great just as we are.

Do you agree with these tips? Got any to add?

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