5 Ways To Turn Your Bedroom into a Sex Cave
For all you newly married folk out there, I'm aware that you could have sex on top of a laundry machine... in broad daylight... with the garage open... and all would be orgasmically fantastic.
For us old fogies reaching the ten year mark, we're working a bit harder. And by "harder" I mean it takes more than a "I need you now" comment to get us to drop trou quicker than we can say "Wow, 9PM... time for bed."
Yup, I fit into that category. I don't care if by stating it to the world it makes me sound grumpy and tired. The fact is, I am grumpy and tired. I could use a lift.
Since I refuse to get Botox, surgery or the fat sucked out of my "I come by it genetically" white butt cheeks, I'm going to admit that I'd like a makeover in my bedroom.
Yes, it's materialistic. Yes, I have a bedroom when some people are living on the street, in their cars or in rented rat-infested shacks. Yes, it's a false sense of sexiness. That all said, I'd kiss Nate Berkus quicker than he could say, "I'm gay, leave me alone you six foot one Amazon freak machine." (I love that man. So does Bally shoe designer Brain Atwood from what I gather. If I'm wrong, my condolences to Nate. You really need to get over that by throwing yourself into your work. I have a project for you!)
For all of you who can overlook your cheap furnishings for hot monkey love, I bow down to you. I, too, have made the best of my "sacred space" for almost a decade, but now I'm ready to change. The first five things I'd redo include:
1. My fake wood furniture. It worked for Sean Cassidy fans in the 70's. I'm over it now.
2. The Alladin themed gold brass "let's all bow to Mecca" head and foot board. My realtor was a gem for giving it to us. But he's moved to the Mid-west since. He should have taken his "treasure" with him.
3. The curtain-less windows. Once I flashed my neighbor. He's sixty. I about gave him a heart attack. Now whenever Rex goes outside to trim the "bushes" I'm certain another image comes to poor Ed's mind.
4. The vintage supper lamp. It looked awesome in my mind at the thrift store. In reality, it looks like Frank Sinatra puked all over a Holiday Inn foyer before sctupping a call girl.
5. The toddler bed. It's shocking that we even made babies based on the adult bed, but we did. We don't need Pipsqueak's favorite "baby bed" as memories of that... as much as she loves it (and it pains me to say "Get rid of you unsexy mammoth of cheap ply board!"
'Cuse the punchinss. I'm a single parent this weekend and wiped. I'm quite certain that I'll hit publish on this post and fall fast asleep in my 1970's bedroom with one child in bed with me, the other happy as clams in her baby bed. I'll say my prayers for all my blessings. But after that? I'll dream of Nate Berkus and all the hot steamy sex I'll be having... with my husband... after he remakes my bedroom.
What about you? Do you love your furnishings? Does your bedroom scream "Take me?" or "Take me Away!"
Posted by Andrea Frazer
More from Good Housekeeping:
* Plan a Perfect Mother's Day!
* Spice Up the Bedroom
* Update Your Wardrobe For Less
* Dress For Your Body Type
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