5 ways you're sabotaging your relationship
1. BODY INSECURITIES
You know you have this problem if...
You cringe and cover up when your partner sees you naked.
Compliments make you nervous and defensive.
Thinking about his positive attributes makes you wonder what he's doing with you.
Why is it a problem?
When we are ashamed of our bodies, we "withdraw sexually" and have trouble "being playful and free," says relationship expert Dr. Alice Pisciotto. Many people resort to substances to deal with their insecurites (for example, drinking in order to have sex), which can ruin a sense of closeness.
How To Fix It
The first step is awareness: realizing, for example, that when he says, "you look beautiful in that dress" and you hear, "go to the gym," it's not because he's being sarcastic, but because you feel ashamed of your body. The second step is to learn to talk about it in an open, honest way. Explain your insecurities to him, why you think you have them, and how they make you feel. Then, pledge to yourself to throw the symptoms of insecurity out the window. Once you stop, for example, calling yourself fat, you may stop feeling so fat.
2. BAD TIMING
You know you have this problem if...You bring up sore points - issues you argue about often or recently - at romantic dinners, family functions, or company events. Or, worse yet, you bombard him with accusations the second you're alone.
Why is it a problem?
"This really drives guys crazy," says Dr. Pisciotto. Everyone knows that communication is important to a good relationship, but knowing when and where to communicate can be just as important. Bringing up a problem at an inappropriate time or place will almost never solve it, and will become a problem in its own right. And he'll be reluctant to bring you along to his cousin's wedding if he's worried you'll be shooting him dirty looks all night.
How To Fix It
3. SNAPPING
You know you have this problem if...
Your partner complains you're always blowing up at him - whether he forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning or threw out the manuscript for the novel you've secretly been working on.
Why is it a problem?
You may be using these explosions as a substitute for intimacy, says Dr. Pisciotto. "If you say, 'I love you,' who knows how he's going to react?" You may get a grunt, you may get a kiss, you may get some bad news. "But if you scream at him, you know he's going to scream back." Excessive anger may be a sign that you're insecure about his feelings for you. Snapping at him allows you to control his behavior because his response - anger - is predictable. But if he feels like he's always about to step on a land mine, you may be doing the very opposite: driving him away.
How To Fix It
4. KEEPING SCORE
You know you have this problem if...
You're keeping a tally of the gives and the takes.
You say things like, "Yes, we hung out with my friends tonight but I hung out with his friends for the last five days."
Why is it a problem?
"Keeping score is usually a sign you don't feel understood, that you don't feel heard," explains Dr. Pisciotto. You feel that your partner doesn't realize or appreciate the contributions and sacrifices you make for the relationship. "This becomes the 'yes, but' of the relationship," says Dr. Pisciotto. "Yes, you took me out to dinner tonight, but I paid the last six nights. Yes, you initiated sex tonight, but I always initiate. Yes, you care about me, but I care about you more."
How To Fix It
5. LETTING THE PAST DICTATE THE PRESENT
You know you have this problem if...
You blame your current boyfriend for problems you had in your last relationship: Your ex had an affair with his personal trainer, so you tell your new boyfriend you like the "chubby look" to keep him out of the gym.
Why is it a problem?
It's a basic truth of psychology that "we often repeat problems in order to solve them," says Dr. Pisciotto. For example, when you're suspicious that your new boyfriend is going to cheat on you, like your ex did, your subconscious is trying to come to terms with the old problem. The effect will hardly be productive: You're likely to create some new issues with your current boyfriend without solving the issues from your past.
How To Fix It
By Hannah Geller
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