50 Shades of Beef: Why I’m Not Enjoying 50 Shades of Grey
By Aaron Traister, REDBOOK
Two weeks ago, I promised to start reading Fifty Shades of Grey in an effort to answer some questions all the media coverage had left me with, and because I was curious about this trilogy that started as fan fiction and has now spent several weeks occupying the top three spots on The New York Times Bestseller list. What is it that makes this book so popular?
That question was incredibly easy to answer. I had heard that this book was like Twilight for grown ups, but I didn't realize that E.L. James has literally rewritten Twilight without the vampires. She's just added the sex that Twilight, as a YA series (with a religious message) could never adequately provide.
But I'm sure E.L. James is untroubled by that fact as she rests her head on a giant pillow made of white tiger fur and stuffed with ruby and sapphires.
With that in mind, I'd like to announce that I'm working on my first book. It's called: The Totally Non-Magical Adventures of Gary Porter, Student of Action. It's a story about a young orphan, Gary Porter, who discovers that he has been accepted to a prestigious boarding school in Northern England. He thrives at this school, and over the years he discovers amazing secrets about his family's history. He becomes captain of the rugby team, thwarts crime and terrorist plots both on- and off-campus, and discovers friends in faithful Laird and brainy Emma Watson, both of whom become true family to Gary. After he graduates, he returns to campus and has an erotic May-December affair with Professor Macgonagall (that's where it gets sexy AND creepy).
Anyway, if you're interested in movie rights hit me up on Twitter or Facebook. I'm looking for roughly $45 million.
Related: 28 Hot Little Sex Life Ideas
Also, when did we decide that rich dudes with lots of fancy stuff were the romantic leads? Didn't pot-boiler romances used to be filled with heroines escaping those rich, stuffy, controlling, materially obsessed dudes for true love with the poor but swarthy farmhand? Also, after 2008, how can anyone write about super rich dudes who ruined the economy as heroic symbols of romantic awesomeness? "Oh Christian Grey, the ripple effect of your leveraged buyout of Instagram has left me with worthless stock options, a home foreclosure, and no way to pay for health insurance; but your mouth is so sculpted, I love you!"
Anyway, I've had a busy few weeks, so I'm only half way through this bad boy, mostly because I'm not enjoying it. I'll post again when I finish it up. Maybe like Christian and Anastasia, the ice will melt and I'll warm up to this book.
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