6 Ways Success Is Sabotaging Your Love Life

By Amy Levin-Epstein

The New York Times recently reported that women are losing their jobs in smaller numbers than men and are, in many households, becoming the primary breadwinner. While this is a positive thing for women's financial independence, some experts say there can be nasty side effects on a relationship. "Recent changes in economic forces and increasing education achievements of women have led to a change in the last decade, with women increasingly earning more than their husbands. This can become a challenge to the roles of 'husband' and 'wife,'" says Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. Here are six symptoms that your success is sucking the love out of your love life, and how to make this role reversal work for-rather than against-your union.

Symptom: He's Not Initiating Intimacy

Not being the primary provider, or getting laid off, can be a blow to his ego-and his manhood.

Remedy: Reassure him that he's contributing to your household. "Men tend to be action-oriented, so point out the ways his actions have an impact on your life," says Dr. Haltzman. Tell him how much bringing in the groceries, or helping your daughter with algebra, helps you-and don't forget to compliment him in bed. If a down mood is preventing him from leading the way into the bedroom, nudge him. "You can start the process by dropping a hint such as a text message on the way home from work," suggests Dr. Haltzman. Then, allow him to take charge.

Symptom: You're Too Tired for Sex

After getting the kids dressed for school, working a 10-hour day and prepping dinner, some prime-time viewing is the only entertainment on your wish list.

Remedy: Schedule some couple time into your calendar. "Have a conversation about times to spend nurturing this relationship," advises Delaware area-based sex therapist Debra Laino, DHS, MED, MS. She suggests a planned date night, or even just a few hours you plan to spend naked each week...and see what happens.

Symptom: He Has Stopped Buying You Gifts

If he's not bringing home the bacon, he's probably not bringing home flowers or jewelry, either.

Remedy: You can, of course, give the guy a break-these are tough times. But you might also start a little "fun fund," a joint account that you both draw from to buy small gifts for the other person. "Since it's available for each of you to use, your husband won't feel as if he's using your money," says Dr. Haltzman.

Symptom: He Says You're Still at Work When You're With Him

Many women feel like they're doing the work of two or three people-and in this avalanche of layoffs, you might have a reason to feel this way! As a result, there is always another e-mail to respond to or to-do-list item to tackle before the morning.

Remedy: Physically disconnect, at least temporarily, each night. "It's OK to tell your employees or clients that you won't be available at certain hours of the day," says Dr. Haltzman. If you need to check e-mail, set aside a block of time after everyone else's bedtime.

Symptom: You Feel Like You May Stray

"When a woman has an education and income, she has the means to do what she wants to do. If her partner isn't up to her par, and if someone offers her something that her partner isn't giving her, it is easy for her to go astray," says Laino. Combine this with a layoff dampening his libido, and your marriage may be at risk.

Remedy: Remember to talk-that's the only way to make him know what you're feeling, whether it be concerns over finances or the relationship. "There needs to be an open, calm conversation," says Laino, who urges women to think big-picture. "With relationships as well as marriages, you kind of have to have this attitude 'for better or worse.' Everyone has limits, but if someone loses his or her job and is out of work for six months, remember that it could be just six months out of 30 years," says Laino.

Symptom: He Says You Treat Him Like an Employee

At work, women are often in positions of power, and at home, they might also run the show. But the way you speak to your partner can make or break your relationship.

Remedy: Remember that a relationship is made up of two equal partners, regardless of who is earning more. "When you get home, take some time and ask your husband what's been happening in the household, help him to feel like his opinions matter and try to work on collaborative ways to solve problems," says Dr. Haltzman.

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