by Gena Kaufman, Glamour
You know what I'm talking about. Apologies that make you want to scream. Or bang your head against a wall. Or both. They're almost worse than no apology at all. They're so frustrating we have to vent about them.
In the heat of the inevitable (but hopefully rare) couple fights, it can be hard to keep a cool head and fight fair. And in my experience, it's particularly hard when your guy makes one of these frequently used bad excuses for an apology:
Fauxpology #1, The Iffy: "I'm sorry if I hurt you."
Why it's the worst: If you hurt me? Really? We've been having a 20-minute discussion about why my feelings are hurt, and now you're going to pretend it's still just a possibility? Ugh.
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Fauxpology #2, The Blameless: "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt."
Why it's the worst: Just like above, it sounds so similar yet is SO different from an actual apology of "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." It's an expression of sympathy rather than an apology for his actions. Sort of like saying "I'm sorry your dog died"-he's sorry, but it's not like he caused it. Except in this instance, he did but he's acting like it was out of his control.
Fauxpology #3, The Overcompensator: "I'm sorry, I'll never even speak to her again."
Why it's the worst: Offering a super dramatic solution that's just not reasonable doesn't indicate he has any idea of how to actually fix the problem. You'll never see the girl in the cubicle next to yours who sends you late night texts? You'll refuse to talk to your mom ever again instead of always putting her first? That sounds feasible. Thanks.
Fauxpology #4, The Wham Bam: "Sorry." Period.
Why it's the worst: A super brief, non-explanatory apology with a refusal to talk about the situation indicates he's only saying it to shut you up. Less than five minute later, he's probably gonna be all, "Are we still talking about this?"
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Fauxpology #5, Actions, But No Words: Kisses away tears, attempts makeup sex.
Why it's the worst: There's nothing wrong with a comforting hug or some intense makeup sex, but it's got to follow an actual makeup. If he can only attempt to solve the problem with a physical response, he's probably not going to change his behavior. See also: Just flowers as apology.
Fauxpology #6, The Sarcastic: "Gee, I'm sorry, I'll be sure to clear all my plans with you in advance from now on."
Why it's the worst: This is basically a thinly veiled "You're crazy." The sarcastic apology is designed to make you feel like you're making unreasonable demands and forcing him to bend over backward to accommodate them, when in reality, you're just asking him to shoot you a text if he's not coming home until 4 a.m.
Arrrgh! So annoying, right? Did I miss any super irritating fake apologies guys tend to make in arguments?
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by Gena Kaufman, Glamour