8 Relationship Mistakes from Sex and the City
By Amanda Greene
The ladies of Sex and the City have had their fair share of relationship turmoil-some funny, some sad and some just plain ugly. And while part of what made their stories so interesting was the way they triumphed over their troubles with men, sometimes they had no one to blame but themselves. We spoke with relationship experts to uncover the reasons behind Carrie's, Charlotte's, Miranda's and Samantha's biggest mistakes. Read on to learn what their major love gaffes were, and how you can avoid making the same slip-ups in your own relationships.
Carrie
Mistake #1: She has unrealistic expectations.
In the latest movie Sex and the City 2 (spoiler alert!), Carrie becomes frustrated with Mr. Big's preference for ordering takeout and watching television instead of going out to parties and new restaurants. In order to shake things up a bit, she takes a trip to Abu Dhabi with the girls and runs into Aidan, whom she ends up kissing.
The Diagnosis: "Carrie has unrealistic expectations about the way relationships progress over time," says Terri Orbuch, PhD, marriage and relationship therapist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. "One of the biggest reasons for unhappy relationships is frustration, and frustration is the gap between what you expect from your relationship and the reality of it."
The Fix: "Most people have excitement at the beginning of a relationship, but after about two years the passionate love declines--it happens in all relationships. You need to infuse excitement and spice to reignite the passion," says Dr. Orbuch. "But if you're always expecting it, like Carrie, what you really need to work on is yourself." Dr. Orbuch recommends engaging in stimulating activities with your partner like exercise, watching a scary movie or riding a roller coaster. All of these adrenaline-producing pursuits can actually ignite passion and excitement. Also, try new things together-a new restaurant, a new board game or even a new bottle of wine. "Novelty will mimic the feelings you experienced at the beginning of your relationship, fending off dullness and boredom."
Mistake #2: She has an impulsive need for adventure.
In season six of the show, after dating Aleksandr Petrovsky, a rich and successful artist, for only a short time, Carrie decides to take him up on his invitation to move to Paris. Despite not having a job, friends or a safety net, Carrie packs up and moves overseas. When Aleksandr is too preoccupied with work to spend time with her, Carrie gets upset, breaks up with him and moves home to New York.
The Diagnosis: "Carrie's impulsive and she has a huge need for adventure. She's very responsive to early, hormone-driven lust," says psychologist and relationship coach Dorree Lynn, PhD, author of Sex for Grownups. "As long as something feels good, she doesn't look beyond the next five minutes." The problem, according to Dr. Lynn, is that she ignored all of the warning signs about moving, and instead, blindly dove right into danger.
The Fix: "Carrie and Aleksandr never actually sat down and had a discussion about how the move was going to work," says Dr. Orbuch. "When you're in a committed and healthy relationship, you want to be making joint decisions together." According to relationship coach Barbara Kennedy, MPH, MSW, author of Baby Boomer Men: Looking for Love, you should try to have groups already in place before you move, whether it's a language class or a network of other women in the same situation. That way, you won't end up being dependent on your partner, which puts a strain on both parties.
Mistake #3: She is an excitement junkie.
After a tumultuous on-again-off-again relationship with Mr. Big during season three, Carrie finally finds herself in a good relationship with Aidan, who treats her incredibly well. Yet she is still drawn to Mr. Big's flirtatious advances, and even though he's married and she's in a relationship, they have an affair together.
The Diagnosis: "There are some people who are what I call excitement junkies," says Dr. Orbuch. "No matter how good of a relationship they're in, they are still attracted to what they can't have because it gives them an adrenaline rush."
The Fix: "Carrie consistently acts like a passive victim; she should have taken responsibility for her own actions and done something to stop them," says Dr. Lynn. "That's what women's lib is all about-you don't get the freedom without the responsibility." According to Dr. Orbuch, there will always be temptation and flirtatious exes-and it's up to you how to deal with them. "It's really your responses to these behaviors and temptations that are either healthy or unhealthy."
Charlotte
Mistake #4:She is reckless with her heart.
After a love-at-first-sight meeting with Trey MacDougal in season three, Charlotte rushes into marriage. Though Trey looks good on paper-he's handsome, rich and successful-the two quickly run into problems that eventually lead to divorce.
The Diagnosis: "Charlotte doesn't know how to do the preliminary work to get her where she needs to go," says Dr. Lynn. "Falling in love is easy for her because she doesn't have any sense of taking caution or how to beware of anything that happens too quickly."
The Fix: "Love at first sight is not necessarily the wrong way to begin a lasting, committed relationship. In fact, studies have shown that about 20 percent of stable, long-term relationships have started out this way," says Linda Young, PhD, who writes the PsychologyToday.com blog "Love in Limbo." "Enjoy the sensation but stick to your own guidelines about how to get to know a person's values, sense of responsibility and whether they truly complement you as a partner." Dr. Young encourages couples to fully lay out their expectations and have honest talks with each other about what they're willing to work on as well as their deal-breakers, needs and wants.
Mistake #5: She fights dirty.
When Charlotte finally meets Harry Goldenblatt in season five, he's completely unlike any person she ever expected to fall for: He's bald, chubby and Jewish. When she gets impatient about why he hasn't proposed yet, she yells, "Do you know how lucky you are to have me? Do you know what people think when they see us together?" He moves out the next day.
The Diagnosis: "Charlotte uses honesty as a weapon here, which you should never do," says Dr. Young. "When you're cruel in a way that cuts very deeply, the road back to repairing your relationship is long-it can't be a simple apology."
The Fix: "I'm a big believer in taking breaks," says Dr. Orbuch. "When you're in the heat of the moment it's OK to tell your partner that you're upset and are going to take a walk around the block. It's much more difficult to take back words than to prevent saying them." If the insults have come from a place of true concern, Dr. Orbuch explains that you can always express yourself in multiple ways: Instead of hurling insults at your partner about his weight, for example, suggest you both join a gym so you can motivate each other.
Miranda
Mistake #6: She makes self-serving gestures.
In season two, Miranda invites Steve, then a struggling bartender, to an office function at her law firm. When she finds out the only suit he owns is gold corduroy, she offers to take him to buy a new one at an expensive store. When it comes time to pay, Steve's credit card is declined and Miranda tries to pay. Embarrassed, Steve refuses, and finds a way to split the cost on multiple cards. He later returns the suit, confessing he can't afford it and telling Miranda she should date someone who is more on her level.
The Diagnosis: Along with pricking Steve's pride by publicly shaming him, Miranda is extremely selfish about the relationship here. "She tries to hold him close by doing something that seems very generous to him, but it's actually quite self-serving underneath it all," says Dr. Young.
The Fix: "Differences in salaries do not a relationship break," says Dr. Lynn. "There are many ways to add merit to a relationship that don't necessarily have anything to do with bringing in money." It was bringing their differences to light in public that made it shameful. The two should have had a private discussion about the situation before it came time to pay up at the store. According to Dr. Young, "the two should have gone together to an off-the-rack store and split the cost if needed."
Mistake #7: She avoids the issue.
In season six, Miranda starts to date Robert Leeds, even though she still harbors feelings for Steve. She's able to ignore her hesitations until Robert gives her a giant cookie that says "I Love You" in chocolate chips. Miranda can't say the words back to him, and instead of talking to Robert about it, eats the entire thing.
The Diagnosis: Notoriously nonverbal, "Miranda used a nonconstructive coping mechanism to deal with the fact that she didn't know if she was ready to take her relationship with Robert to the next level," says Dr. Orbuch. "We all do that to some extent-be it with food, alcohol or exercise."
The Fix: Instead of resorting to unproductive and distracting coping strategies, "the question you want to ask yourself is 'Can I trust and really care about another person again?' And if the answer isn't yes, then you're not ready to date again,'" says Dr. Orbuch. Miranda-and anyone who is considering pursuing a relationship-should have a dialogue with herself about this, or else she runs the risk of hurting her partner.
Samantha
Mistake #8: She'd rather hurt a man than be hurt first.
In season six when Samantha starts to seriously date Smith Jerrod, he is completely devoted to her. But she consistently pushes him away, insisting he say he's single, refusing to hold his hand in public and even sleeping with her ex-boyfriend Richard.
The Diagnosis: "Samantha was burned by Richard before, so when it came to Smith, the best way to avoid getting hurt again was to do the hurting herself," says Dr. Orbuch. "I think that Samantha really did want Smith to stay, but she kept her guard up."
The Fix: Samantha was lucky, according to Dr. Orbuch, to be with a man who was patient, calm and understanding. "People who only know sexuality generally don't know intimacy and then they confuse the two," says Dr. Lynn. So instead of trying to show your feelings with sex, have open and honest communication in order to approach intimacy.
Original article appeared on WomansDay.com.
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