8 Rules for Becoming the Next Mrs. Tom Cruise (According to Leaked Scientology Intel)

By Lauren Passell for HowAboutWe

Tom CruiseTom CruiseOctober's Vanity Fair reports in an article by Maureen Orth that in 2004, Scientologist Shelly Miscavige (wife of Scientology leader David), embarked on a mission to do the (what turns out to be probably) impossible: find Tom Cruise a sustainable relationship. According to several sources, an elaborate auditioning process was held, interviewing actresses who were already members of the Scientology community. One of them, who went on to date Cruise from November '04 to January '05, was Nazanin Boniadi, an Iranian-born, London-raised actress (and Scientologist.) Initially, Boniadi (who had a boyfriend) was told she was being selected for a "very important mission".

Though the Scientology community is vehemently denying all of these reports, if any of it is even a reflection of the truth, it is quite shocking. It doesn't seem a stretch to say Boniadi's story parallels one of Grimms' fairy tales where the beautiful princess is promised to the rich prince. Those stories usually ended in blood shed, while these stories usually just end in a whole lot of mess (and crying, and toilet cleaning - see below.) Either way, if you haven't been forced to give Tom Cruise a child, thank your lucky stars. And if you are in a relationship with someone who you chose to be with, go home tonight and hug them hard.

But here, according to the Vanity Fair piece, is exactly what it takes to date Tom Cruise.

Plus: 8 Signs Your Rich Boyfriend Is Probably A Jerk

1. Share Your Innermost Secrets And Every Detail Of Your Sex Life With A High-Ranking Scientology Official. These are called "audits".

2. Dump The Boyfriend You Actually Love. Apparently - though Scientology denies it - Boniadi was shown confidential auditing files of her ex to expedite a breakup.

3. What You Say Can And Will Be Used Against You. Boniadi was audited for uttering the words "Very well done" to Cruise when he received the Scientology's Freedom Medal of Valor. (It made Cruise sound like Boniadi's junior.)

4. No Braces (Teeth). (Boniadi had to get rid of 'em.)

Plus: 10 Signs You're A Girlfriend For Hire

5. No Red Highlights (Hair). (Boniadi had to get rid of 'em.)

6. "You Can't Do Anything To Displease Scientology, Because Tom Cruise Will Freak Out," Marc Headley, a long-time Scientologist who used to be head of Scientology's in-house studio, told Orth.

7. Don't Mess Any Of This Up. That will mark you as a "Suppressive Person" (a pariah and enemy of Scientology).

Plus: The 23 Most Ridiculous Reasons Why Jerry Dumped Someone On "Seinfeld"

8. There's No Crying In Dating Tom Cruise. After the "breakup", Boniadi was "crying all the time" and broke down to a friend, confiding in her everything about the relationship. The friend reported her, and Boniadi was ordered to scrub toilets with a toothbrush, clean bathroom tiles with acid, and dig ditches in the middle of the night.