Advice: I'm afraid my first time will hurt

Em and Lo

Dear Em & Lo,

I'm a 24-year-old virgin in just about every way you can be--second base is about all I can claim. It's not for religious reasons, and I'm not waiting for marriage (heck no! Must test-drive the car first). I held off in high school, and then held off through college because I consciously wasn't ready for the responsibility that comes with being sexually involved with someone. Now I'm just waiting for a guy who means enough to be worth giving it up, someone who I really trust and who is patient with me.

But that's not my dilemma. I've waited so long now that I'm scared about that first time. The idea of the pain is my biggest tangible fear, I think. I've heard nothing but horror stories from friends about their first times, and as a woman with quite a low pain tolerance, I've worked myself into a tizzy worrying about it.

I'm totally open to the idea that good sex comes with practice. But clearing this hurdle is holding me back from doing much dating at all to avoid the added pressure.

What do you suggest to help me ease my anxiety (and ensure it doesn't hurt too bad)?

Still Waiting

Dear S.W.,

We've got one word for you: Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. Here's why:

  • You should know what you've got, how it looks and feels, and how it likes to be touched before anybody else does. Don't leave it a mystery only to be solved by the first sexual Sherlock you allow in your pants. Knowing your body intimately will give you confidence when you finally share it with someone else.

  • Studies have shown that women who masturbate regularly have more satisfying partner sex.

  • Pain during first-time sex for a woman might be caused by the hymen breaking fully. If you're already in your 20s, though, chances are it's already broken substantially, via tampon use, self-diddling, horseback riding, or other rigorous exercise like gymnastics or cheerleading (hello, splits!). But if you think it may still be a problem, then by all means invest in an insertable vibrator or dildo to help your body adjust to that filled-up feeling. You could even start small, and work you're way up in girth. Even if popping your cherry isn't a concern of yours, this is still a good idea!

[Video: Claire from Babeland helps you find the perfect vibrator that's right for you!]

  • Another cause of pain during first-time sex may be not enough lube, perhaps because one is too scared s---less to be really turned-on. There's no shame or harm in helping things along with a little man-made glycerin-free water-based lubricant. In fact, it can help make any sex--first time or 1,000th time--feel better.

[Video: Everything you ever wanted to know about lube!]

  • Finally, another possible cause of pain is a guy who doesn't know what he's doing (i.e. he goes in like gangbusters without any warm up). He should move slowly and build up intensity gradually, checking in with you along the way to make sure you're okay with everything (insist he does if he's not). But if you're waiting for a guy who is special, chances are he'll put your pleasure first and proceed with sensitivity.

If you re-read the above, you'll notice we referred to first-time sex, not first-time intercourse. Our society places so much emphasis on intercourse as the be-all, end-all of partnered sexual activity, but handwork and oral are sex too! Those might be just as erotically satisfying for you than intercourse--if not more--and they certainly can be just as intimate and awe-inspiring. So make sure during your first time going beyond second base with a guy that you're focused on the whole experience and not just on slipping tab A into slot B. Being an avid masturbator beforehand will help you in this endeavor.

Have fun storming the castle!

Em & Lo

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