Ask Em and Lo: My boyfriend won't go down on me

Em and Lo

Dear Em & Lo,

Long story short: My partner refuses to perform cunnilingus on me, claiming that the taste is unpleasant. Any suggestions on how to make it better? I've tried all the obvious hygiene solutions, including douching and internal feminine deodorants, but this seems not to improve it sufficiently for him.

Unlicked

[Impertinent Question: What Do You Think of 69?]

Dear U,

Dump him.

Okay, alright, admittedly that's our very unhelpful knee-jerk advice regarding any guy unwilling to perform one of the most basic sex acts out there--oral--especially when it's the main route to orgasm for so many women, and especially especially when about 99.9 percent of men enjoy, indeed expect oral attention lavished on themselves. (In our nearly ten years of sex writing, we've only heard of ONE guy not enjoying the occasional BJ.)

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That said, who are we to determine the sexual preferences of your boyfriend, or anyone else for that matter? Everyone is different. What turns one person on, turns another off: You say tomato, I say tomahto, you say cunnilingus, I say I'd rather eat a tomahto. If you can live without it (for every woman who needs oral to orgasm there's one who considers it a good time to file her nails), and he doesn't expect fellatio from you (hey, what's fair is fair), then have fun performing the 10,984 other sex acts out there together.

However, if you'd rather watch an entire episode of America's Got Talent than go without oral, and it really is an issue of flavor for your boyfriend (i.e. he's just not using that as an excuse to get out of something that has no physical pay off for him because deep-down he's a misogynist or man-child who believes vaginas are gross), then there are a few things you might try...

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First of all, stop with the douching and the feminine deodorant sprays immediately! They upset the delicate chemical balance of your vagina and make you more susceptible to irritation and infection--all things that can give you a not-so-fresh feeling.

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What you want to do is work from the inside out, not the other way around. You are what you eat, so cut out the gross stuff (cigarettes, drugs, caffeine, processed foods, hormone-riddled meat, and, if you can stand it, alcohol) and increase the good stuff (lots of water and fresh fruits and vegetables, especially pineapple, but not asparagus).

Next, assuming you're on some form of non-condom birth control, try using a condom during intercourse, or at least have him pull out, so his ejaculate is not left inside you, since this too can make things a bit funky. See, it's his fault! (Again, the pull-out method without a condom should only be used if you're using another form of dependable birth control and you two as a monogamous couple have decided, after getting tested together, that you trust each other to swap body fluids--not something to be done lightly.)

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Find out from your boyfriend if the problem for him is, in part, a matter of texture. Perhaps a more high-maintenance grooming regimen would make things more pleasant for him. However, if he would like you to go the full monty, then he should be willing to undergo the same humiliating, painful, waxing process at the salon himself, spread butt cheeks and all (again, fair is fair).

Finally--and this is kinda obvious--shower immediately beforehand.

If you still feel that things aren't quite right for you down there, then you should definitely see your doctor to check for bacterial vaginosis, a yeast infection, or STDs. Even if things are as they always were, it's still a good idea to have regular check-ups.

After a receiving a bill of good health, if he is still off-put by the aroma (so much of taste is tied into smell), then perhaps you two are simply not the best match, chemically speaking. Some studies have shown that we are hardwired to be attracted to the natural scent of people with immune systems different from our own and put off by the natural scent of people with similar immune systems--that's nature's way of ensuring that the people best suited to have strong offspring together will mate, while those likely to have babies with two heads don't. You might just have to accept that you weren't made for each other.

If it turns out he just wasn't made for cunnilingus, then you might just have to dump him.

'Liciously yours,
Em & Lo

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