Ask Em and Lo: My girlfriend blamed me for her hepatitis!

Em and Lo
Giant Microbes
Giant Microbes


Dear Em & Lo,

I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost three years (I'm 24, she's 21). We were both virgins when we first had sex early on in our relationship. Our sex since then has been great, and the fact that we love each other makes it even better. We never used condoms because we've never had previous partners, we were serious about our relationship, and we always used other forms of birth control (e.g. the Nuva Ring).

Now, here's the problem: recently she was diagnosed with hepatitis. Amazingly the doctor didn't tell her what hepatitis is (we had to look it up on the Web) or what kind of hepatitis she has (she says she's going to check with her doctor to find out for sure). The first day she was told she had hepatitis she called me crying, accusing me of getting her sick and lying about being a virgin and cheating on her--instead of calling to warn me that I could also have the sickness. I have never been with another woman but her in my life. I felt so shocked.

To make matters worse, both our parents don't approve of us being together. Hers don't think I'm worth a nickel because I'm not a religious freak like them. And now my parents think that if she loved me, she would've told me to check myself to see if I had hepatitis as well, instead of blaming me for it--so they think I should move on.

I did get tested this last Friday and this week I'm going to know the results. But besides that, I had the vaccine done when I was a kid. And in February of this year, I had urine and blood samples taken for my car insurance, and I came out negative on hepatitis. So I'm pretty sure I'm not sick.

I know my parents are right about her reaction, but I love this girl very much and she was very sorry afterwards. She thinks she's the worst woman in the world for treating me like that, but she still loves me. I forgive her and love her. But I don't know if I should take this as a sign to finish this relationship. Should I forgive her and make the best of all this or dump her?

Hep Help



Dear H.H.,

We think it's pretty excellent that your reaction to her, upon hearing the news, wasn't more of the same accusation, anger and fear. Many people would consider news of a potentially contagious disease in a partner to be an automatic deal-breaker. So good for you!

But just because that knee-jerk freak-out may not be the best reaction, it's certainly an understandable one. When you're diagnosed with a disease, especially one that could have been contracted sexually, all rational thought goes out the window: it's scary and depressing and overwhelming. Your mind races--how did I get it? why me? will I ever have sex again?--and you think the worst.

So we think you should cut her some slack. Understand that when she called you, she wasn't herself--which isn't a sign of the fragility of your relationship, it's human nature. But once she had a chance to calm down and just breathe, she obviously realized the error of her ways and apologized. And that really is the best you could have hoped for, under the circumstances. So if you love her, then do just that and support her.

Next, you've GOT to figure out what kind of hepatitis she has--and whether or not you have it too--as different types have different symptoms, methods of transmission (many are not sexual), treatments and imperatives about having sex safely (or at least about reducing risk of transmission). And then really educate yourself about it with sites like AshaSTD.org and the Hepatitis Foundation, which can help you find a support group. Your girlfriend might also consider, if it's at all possible, getting a new doctor--one who will be more communicative and informative.

And as far as your parents go, while it's ideal to have the support of your family about your choice of partner, ultimately only you can decide who is right for you; sometimes outsiders can't understand the intimate connection two people have in the privacy of their own bedrooms, when they get all naked and cuddly and shmoopie with each other. If your parents can't, that's their problem. They can write to us for advice.

All our best,
Em & Lo


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