Author-Rapper Common on Learning From Your Break-up
In 2003, my girlfriend and I broke up. We'd been together for two years-we were practically engaged-and had been friends for years before that. After we parted ways, I entered a long period of heartbreak. Like any person who's been rejected, I thought, Man, what's wrong with me? I tried to figure out which of my own flaws had kept us from having a successful relationship. But in my gut, I knew my mistakes. My ex had a lot of power and presence, and that had made me less assertive about my own needs. I had sacrificed parts of who I am to avoid conflict. When you're not sticking up for yourself, things start building up.
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About three months after the breakup, I was really feeling the loss when something dawned on me: It wasn't just in my relationship that I'd let myself be overshadowed. Even with my managers, my mentality was, It's all about your needs. When they wanted me to try out for a TV show that paid good money, I went, even if in my heart I wasn't feeling the material. Other times I'd downplay my opinion to avoid seeming full of myself. In listening sessions with journalists for a new album, instead of rapping along to the track or looking them in the eyes and saying, "Yo, this is great music-we worked hard on this, and it came out beautifully," I waited for someone else in the room to acknowledge the quality of my work. I worried people might feel put off if I was too confident or showed that I knew I was good at something.
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I realized I'd been consistently reining myself in-in relationships, friendships and work-to avoid disappointing anyone or making people uncomfortable. I knew I had to embrace the gifts God gave me-I had to let my light shine. When I started doing that, I immediately felt stronger.
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Now, in an intimidating situation-say, in conversation with a movie director-I'm not thinking, I'll come off as a jerk if I give my opinion on this scene. I'll just come out and say it. And in relationships, I stand my ground. For example, I like to go to church on New Year's Eve-to spend that time with God. My ex would always want me to go somewhere with her instead, and when I did, I'd regret it. Now I'll just say to a woman I'm dating, "I'm going to church-and I'll meet you right after." -As told to Crystal G. Martin
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