Bachelor Pad: Elizabeth's Guide To Love

Bachelor Pad's Elizabeth has some interesting tactics for keeping a man (ABC)Bachelor Pad's Elizabeth has some interesting tactics for keeping a man (ABC)
Last night on the series premiere of the "Bachelor" spin-off a group of rejects from seasons past compete for money, hot tub real estate and chest exposure. It's a little hard to watch. The "Bachelor" series is built on desperation for love and fame. Last night's premiere proved they're also hungry for money. In romantic terms, it's kind of a turn-off.

The only thing that's keeping me going, besides the fact that it's on TV on Monday night, is Elizabeth. She's single-handedly the worst manipulator ever to appear on TV. The newly blond villain from Jake's season of the Bachelor is one of those dyed-in-the-wool reality competitors who fashions herself savvier than she really is. And it's awesome.

I sincerely hope she follows suit of former "Bachelorette" Jen Schefft and writes a "rules" book for love.

Here's how it would read:
Chapter 1: Forehead foreplay
The only way to keep a man is to not kiss him. Until he proposes. This isn't a spiritual quest, this is a tactic for maintaining their undying attention. If they want a little of taste of what they're working toward, offer the top of your head. Then let them work their way to your temples. This was my tactic on Jake's season of the "Bachelor". While it baffled him and ultimately got me kicked off, that was an anomaly. Tip: when employing this tactic, it helps if your target isn't genetically hard-wired to be attracted to women.

Chapter 2: Take Risks With Your New Relationship
I fell in love with a former "Bachelorette" contestant, by chance (at a "Bachelor" hosted event, what are the chances?). Instead of doing boring things like going to dinner or taking a vacation together, we both agreed it'd be fun to go on a dating reality show together. We'll live in bunk-beds with a crew of other single people competing for money via their sexual prowess. This is a great way to keep the spark.

Chapter 3: The Crying Game
If your guy thinks he wants to take a relationship break "for the sake of the game" or as a "strategy to win" (haven't we heard that one, girls) put your hand over your face and shake your shoulders like you're crying. It's kryptonite for most big lugs.

Chapter 4: Go For Blood
If he's still adamant about breaking up, stick your girl gang on him. I mean go for his deeply embedded organs. I made it clear I'd mobilize my gang of women on the show and get him kicked off if he left me.
Worked like a charm. Now when he sees me I can smell a sour sweaty almond scent coming from his pores--kind of like the way you smell when you're about die? Yeah that fear-y type smell. He smells like that so I know he's not going anywhere.


Watch a Prime Time In No Time recap of last night's episode