note: buttons, not a zipper
Let's jump right in, shall we? Chris Harrison likes a popped collar.
He also likes reminding folks that Ben has needs. He suggests the women use their one on one time with the Bachelor "wisely." What does that mean? "Don't sit around and talk about the weather." Some of the women catch his pimp drift. She gets it.
For those that don't there's this date card: "Let nature take its course." That's sensitive guy-speak for "there's a thing called blue balls."
There is also a thing called helicopter envy. You know when you like a guy and he whisks away one of your ten roommates on a giant dragon fly and you just have to sit there and watch?
DATE 1: Rachel
No need to subtitle, guys. We got it.
Boring subtitled helicopter conversation is how reality shows make you feel like you're watching a french film.
Conversation doesn't get much deeper as the date goes on. Guess who talks about the weather?
Then the producers pull Ben aside in order to have him explain why this season is so remarkably low-budget compared to seasons past. "These more down to earth dates are nice because you're able to gauge whether or not you have chemistry."
Ben needs to know how the woman he's going to marry will handle tetanus.
Despite being the snooziest date yet, wherein Ben becomes sexually frustrated ("She tells me she's interested but I don't see it in her actions") Rachel gets a rose.
I feel like Ben's into Tantra.
DATE 2: Group of girls in rubber pants and suspenders
Cross-promoting the fishing channel.
Fishing doesn't exactly translate to TV. Thankfully, crazypants models do. Courtney, this season's not-here-for-the-right-reasons villain, corners Ben for some one-on-one time. They totally bond over their passion for dijon mustard. The other girls are driven to madness. Later she makes everyone kiss the dead fish she's caught in her hands. It's weird.
DATE 2: Jennifer, the good kisser
At this point, there's just no money left in the budget. Remember how in other seasons they're closing down major museums or enjoying a rooftop five course meal? This date takes place in a hole.
Later that night they're treated to a country music concert. This isn't a private show though. A crowd of Park City locals join the couple, including one particularly enthusiastic crowd-member.
How great is this song?
Hey, you guys. Hi!
Isn't this great that we can all get together and do this?
So what's going on after the show. Is there like a party or something?
The epidimiologist makes a fatal flaw. She tells Ben that the model is bad news. She obviously doesn't know about the dijon mustard conversation and Ben gets defensive. Let's just say our bachelor is starting to get a little drunk with power. He explains that "throwing someone under the bus" as it were "is going to end up in you're own demise." Emperor Ben doesn't know that after he puts people in limos and sends them away they go to the airport, not Hades.
Crazy eyes mgee.
Meanwhile, one of model's henchmen lets her know she's being sabotaged. Somebody is calling her mean? That's preposterous. It makes her want to find her enemy and rip her head off and then verbally assault her, and later shave off her eyebrows. Weird order. But what really happens when Courtney gets mad is that she loses control of her facial muscles.
This looks like it hurts
Back in Tantra mode. Ben watches a little too much of HBO's Real Sex.
Meanwhile, there's this girl Samantha that we totally forgot about and now we really regret that because she's wonderful. Here's your weekly lesson on how not to get a guy to like you.
note: buttons, not a zipper