Bachelor Recap: Women You Won't Recognize Tell All

It's been a long journey, we've traveled (kind of) far, and we've finally reached the penultimate episode that takes place in the abandoned studio once inhabited by former late night talk show host Pat Sajack. They even kept the background cityscape in tact, and all the Christmas wreaths!

Downtown Cincinnati really lights up around the holidays!
There were a few familiar faces and a lot of people we've never ever seen before.
This is the Real Housewives reunion, right?

 But mostly there were sparkles and weird cleavage. And totally unsubstantiated bitchy expressions.

We're here to set the record straight about a bonus clip from episode two.

This one thinks she's made it a lot further in the season.
"I feel as though I've been misrepresented in the press as someone who was on the show."

You got to love the audience reactions. There were three clusters of audience members there to provide facial feedback to anything happening on stage.
We're the Nuh-Uhs. We don't ever buy it.


I'm in charge of the I CAN NOT BELIEVE SHE JUST SAID THAT face.


I give an empowering Woooooot! Also I'm a man.
The best part of the show is always the fifteen minute teaser for the next Bachelor Pad. This one got the gang of seasons past together for a wild night of Jagermeister lemon drops at a Vegas hotel. Let me just say on a serious note, the Bachelor contestants really are like a family.

These guys are like my brothers, because we sleep in bunk beds when we're on the show.

A family where everyone is named Kasey. And sometimes those Kaseys get sloppy.

No lady can resist a man in a pink shirt and a vest.
It's bad enough for "Lisa P." this moment was captured, but no one should have to be defined as "Brad's second season." Meanwhile, Bachelorette Ali and Frank reunited (he left her season to be with his ex) and there was some very obvious plot suggestions that these two would be providing the "true love" factor on the Bachelor Pad.
Shhh. My horses are listening.

Oh right. Sigh. Back to business.
Should we leave? I mean, if this is a Bachelor Pad reunion. I just thought it was for our show is all.
And we're back. Since the very beginning of the episode the promise of a public stoning of contestant Courtney has been dangled.

"My contract says no rocks over 4lbs, Chris"

Let's do this.
"You've got some nerve!" "Oh no she di-int!" "Wah! You wanna cry baby?" "I've got one shoulder, with no fabric, bring it on." "Are they giving out champagne soon?"


Wait hold on, it's coming. Yes, here we go. Does it actually have to fall from the socket or can it just get glassy on the ball?


"Ha! You call those tears? I make those when I'm flossing."

After she's properly shamed, Courtney actually leaves the building. We know this because cameras follow her to a car, perhaps to suggest she won't see Ben who's also in the studio. Or maybe it's part of the Honda contract the series signed and will never ever be finished with.
Wow, dual side airbags and no APR?
Next up: a---hole number two.

So there are a bunch of women and I pick the ones I likes best until there's only one left. If I didn't pick you it's because I didn't like you as much."
Ben has some 'splaining to do. Mostly, about how the show works.

"Stop feeding us what we want hear and get real Ben."

Emily ain't having it. Neither are the other women who were recently dumped. But that one woman from episode minus 3, she's says its so fine, go sleepy now?
"These comfy plastic coaster stools put me right to sleep!"

Next up, it's Kacie B. cam time! You may remember how this young, sweet, naive flower had her heart ripped from her chest and then had a few ventricles still attached to her rib cage snatched out too. Well now is when we look back at the amazing romance Ben and Courtney have enjoyed while keeping a camera firmly affixed on Kacie's  nausea face.
Oh this sucks, but it'll be over soon.


Wonder if any of the other girls are showing up in a box right now.


How about now? Is it still just me?

Spoiler alert. Do not look at the photo below if you do not want to know what '90s movie genre will be called upon to make next week's finale more heart-rending.

Bachelor Finale in Merchant Ivory-vision. "Is that Sir Benjamin prodding across the moors?"
Now that everything's all settled there's just one more order of business. As credits roll, and someone named Zero who served as an assistant coordinator is debased by a scene in which one contestant passes along a very large tampon to another to squash some tampon beef that began and ended in episode one. [Crazy applause.]
It's clean!
Tampon in hand, these two strange women we kind of remember from an old episode (or wait, was it camp?) hug it out. Can I get a woot-woot from my woot guy?

"Woot!"


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Related:

Episode 9

Episode 8

Episode 7