Band-Aid

In my quest to find one of the ones who is to be the one I have corresponded with a multitude of men. I have found an underlying problem that seems to be worrying both sexes. The complaint I keep finding on both sides of the spectrum of men and women is that they feel many on dating sites are just looking for sex or a meal ticket. This complaint has come from both men and women and not just women.

In a recent conversation, a man asked me what I was truly looking for. He stated that so many women he encountered wanted purely sexual relationships and he wanted something serious and lasting. He mentioned that women he had been meeting either wanted a casual encounter or a fine dining experience but it left him a bit cold to find that few he met wanted something of substance, something meaningful.

What poured out of my mouth was an explanation that I didn't even realize I had until I spoke it out loud.

"Sex is a Band-Aid for those who don't have actual love in their lives."

There it is. So many people in this world, men and women, have become afraid to be vulnerable and allow their hearts to get involved and then use sex to fill in that empty place inside of them. Yet, it is impossible to fill it with the mere sexual act. For those who have love and respect in another, sex is one of the many sweet and wild expressions of that. It is not just a "place" filler but a physical demonstration.

We creatures have a need for sex, not just the sexual release of it but the actual intimacy involved. Think of oxytocin being released during orgasm. It is referred to as the bonding hormone. It happens with no help from us to be let loose in the body except to actually have some type of sexual interlude. And here our bodies take over even when our minds tell us we want nothing more than release. Our bodies tell us we want connection and a sense of intimacy even when our rational or irrational thoughts tell us otherwise.

We humans crave closeness. At the same time, so many fear closeness. Yet, in the moments of desire and the moments after it, we have a feeling of connection and that someone knows us-if only for a moment.

None of use wants to wander through life thinking no one else gets us or understands us, needs us or wants us. That is painful. It is a wound. Sex to some people is a Band-Aid to comfort the wound and protect it. It has its purpose and it does have its comforts. However, if you leave a sore covered with a bandage long enough it doesn't heal, it doesn't necessarily stop hurting either. You just get used to it and sometimes it even gets infected.

Casual sex, meaningless sex, unattached sex is it easier? Damn right it is if we are only looking at a moment at a time. If we seek beyond that-we have to expose our hearts to the air, to the world, to another to have a chance to have something lasting. Not a Band-Aid to cover up the empty but actual love to fill it.

Monika M. Basile