The Biggest Turn-On No One's Talking About

by Diana Kelly for

The new porn that will change your sex lifeThe new porn that will change your sex lifeIf you don't think you like porn, we don't blame you! What-those poorly produced, laughably scripted X-rated movies don't do it for you?!

While it's fair to say that most of what you'll find in the sex shop movie aisle doesn't cater to the average woman, that doesn't mean erotic movies aren't for you-it's just that you need better options. The good news is, soon you'll have some.

Dusk! TV, a female-oriented, erotic digital TV channel based in the Netherlands, is coming to the U.S. in the spring or early summer. Tune in and you'll only find "porna"-films geared toward women, made with respect, featuring "real" people, and chosen by about 2,000 women who contribute to a research test panel.
The premise of the channel is that you (women) decide what porn for women is, says Yvette Luhrs, program manager and porna researcher for Dusk! "We hope to serve an audience who's not into classic male-oriented pornography but is looking for erotic film," she says. "We want to create easier access to different representations of sexuality for a bigger audience."

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And there's definitely a growing audience for female porn. While it's hard to know how many women are checking out videos, experts say the number is on the rise. Credit the easy access of the World Wide Web for taking away the shame and fear that once held women back from watching porn, says Sadie Allison, Ph.D., author of Ride 'Em Cowgirl. Plus now there's greater variety, including women's porn and feminist porn.

Whereas women's porn is made with solely women in mind, "feminist porn" is ethically produced and challenges stereotypes and one-dimensional images that we see in a lot of mainstream porn, says Tristan Taormino, a sex educator, pornographer, and award-winning author. "Feminist porn prioritizes authentic depiction of desire and pleasure, and shows authentic orgasms," she says. "You're not going to see a cookie-cutter repetition of 'one way' to be for men or for women, or 'one way' to have a sexual dynamic. You're much more likely to see a diversity of bodies, desires, fantasies, and power dynamics."

The Benefits of Watching Porn
Whether you're a porn virgin or have been viewing for years, it's important not to think of porn as a how-to guide. "Trying to learn how to be a better lover by watching mainstream porn is like trying to learn how to be a better driver by watching The Fast and the Furious. It's a bad idea," says sex educator Reid Mihalko. You would never treat people's bodies the way they do in a porno, plus most of the positions are cheated and parts are edited out, he explains. And remember that, as with regular movies, you're watching actors, so don't compare yourself to them.

Instead, use the videos to explore what turns you on and to allow yourself to have fantasies, Mihalko suggests. Perhaps you admire the woman's confidence and how she's owning her sexuality, and that inspires you to take charge more often. Or you may become curious to try new positions, role-play, or bring a vibrator or handcuffs into the bedroom.

It also may help to think about porn in terms of the sensual versus erotic: Sensuality is about the way you liked to be touched, whereas eroticism is about how you like to be turned on in your brain. [Tweet this fact!] So if you find that a scene with a woman and two men turns you on, or perhaps it's two women kissing-no shame! That's simply what you find erotic; it means nothing about your sexual orientation, and you never have to act out anything in real life. Going back to Mihalko's car movie reference, you can find a movie's car chase scene exciting, but it doesn't mean you're going to challenge someone to a highway race on the drive home.

Watching with Him

Since your guy is most likely already enjoying XXX content alone, suggesting you watch together will help you bring down his walls of secrecy, and it will teach you things about one another, Allison says. Porn is a great foreplay tool to give you fresh ideas for how to turn each other on, as it gives you an excuse to ask, "Oh, that's interesting-do you think you'd like that?" If you're shy about talking, observe your partner's reaction and body language to see what's heating him up.

Sharing this experience can inspire dialogue, connection, and intimacy, and building that kind of openness and trust is sure to make your relationship grow inside and outside the bedroom, Allison says. The experience should be about both of you exploring and discussing fantasies and having fun, so be sure you're both comfortable and feel your needs are being addressed.

Exploring Your Options
There are plenty of choices online that allow you to stream porn on your computer or, if you worry about someone seeing your browser history, on your phone or tablet.

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If you're looking for advice on how to take your pleasure (or his) to the next level, sites such as,, PinkLabel.TV, and offer educational porn series that teach sex techniques and help you better know your own body and his.

To start searching for erotic films and feminist pornographies you like, Taormino suggests Petra Joy's compilation series HerPorn, a curated collection of the best scenes from female filmmakers. Consider it a sampler to let you discover a star, director, or production company that suits your tastes; once you do, look for more of their videos or buy a DVD.

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