readers are exceptionally optimistic about their post-marriage lives

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We just got the press release for the results from a recent, totally unscientific. online survey held on about sex and marriage. Here's our totally unscientific analysis of their 8 findings:

  • "More than half (52%) of brides-to-be expect that their sex lives will improve after walking down the aisle." That's romantic, in a special helmet kind of way. But if the sex isn't good now, simply saying "I do" is not going to automatically turn you into Kama Sutra experts. Maybe they were just thinking about the honeymoon booty. (Married or not, these tips will heat up anyone's sex life!)
  • "Before that walk, however, more than a third (37%) admit to fantasizing about 'another man' when in bed with their fiance." Could be a case of buyer's remorse setting in, but we prefer to think this is just an example of a healthy fantasy life--one that will serve the brides well during their marriage, when one's imagination becomes key in spicing things up.
  • "A good number (76%) also say that their sex life has either simply stayed the same or worsened since they got engaged." readers are probably fairly traditional, buying into the idea that you absolutely NEED to have the most perfect, positively precious flowers, food, music, gown, planner, venue, date, wedding party, favors, makeup artist, stylist, planner, etc. for "THE most important day of your freakin' life." If you were caught in the organizational/financial pressure cooker that is the modern wedding, then your sex life would probably suffer too. Let's take a big breath ladies, keep things in perspective, and tap your fiances ass to take the edge off. (New wedding trends: What's a Do & What's a Don't)
  • "An overwhelming majority (95%) plans on buying new lingerie." With numbers like that, we're not sure why Victoria's Secret feels the need to market to pre-pubescent adolescents.
  • "Nearly a quarter (24%) said that they plan on purchasing a sex toy for the occasion." Yay! Hopefully when they conduct the same survey a few years from now, that number will have doubled. Have we mentioned that the book "Sex Toy: An A-Z Guide to Bedroom Accessories" makes an excellent bachelorette party gift?
  • "In order to make the wedding night sex even more memorable, most brides (92%) plan to sleep in separate beds the evening before their nuptials." Aw, that's sweet. Even cynics like us can't poke any fun at that.
  • "Many (42%) intend to halt sexual activity well before they head to the altar. Of those planning a bedroom hiatus, a majority (53%) expects to abstain for a month or longer." Wait, what!? That seems like a really looooong time, even if you are in the middle of the organization/financial nightmare that is the modern wedding. Save that kind of abstaining for when the first baby comes along.
  • "More than one in ten (11%) respondents stated they want to say "I do" before having sex for the first time." Just another statistic proving once again that abstinence-only education does not work.
Related: Top 50 Sex Myths