By Anna Breslaw
1. You look so skinny!
As opposed to before, when you had Velveeta running through your veins instead of blood.
2. You look so healthy!
You look fatter than you did last time I saw you.
3. [if your hair is not straight naturally, but you straightened it for a day] Your hair looks so good today!
When you tone down your unique physical attributes to align with conventional beauty standards, you actually look kinda pretty!
4. You're pretty for an [ethnic group.]
Thanks? You're about as ugly as most racists are.
5. Your shoes look so comfortable.
Ew, those are such sad "I-don't-even-try-to-be-a-woman-anymore baby boomer hag with three wolf moon t-shirts who lurk in the self-help section of Barnes & Noble" clogs.
6. You're such a strong person.
If I had experienced the series of misfortunes that comprise your miserable, lonely life, I would have jumped off the nearest skyscraper years ago.
7. I didn't recognize you! You look beautiful!
It's as if a beautiful creature of glowing mystery somehow briefly overtook your usual appearance, which resembles something that crawled out of the bottom of the ocean to feed on human flesh.
8. You're really photogenic.
You are so good at angles and Instagram filters that you can totally trick people into thinking you're not a demented hosebeast. Good for you!
9. You clean up really nice.
When you take a break from your days as a mite-infested street rat and take a shower, you look like something others might want to insert a penis into.
10. You get better at your job every day.
When I hired you, you were functionally illiterate - but, like Jodie Foster in Nell, you have begun to observe and mimic the socialized humans around you in the workplace.
11. Wow! You're actually smart!
I assumed you were a moron based on the fact that you look like a stupid idiot moron!
12. You're SO not what I expected.
I expected a gelatinous combination of a large rodent and Lisa Vanderpump, with the personal ethics of Rasputin.
Related: 19 Signs You Were in a Sorority
13. I wish I had cute, tiny boobs like yours.
How's fifth grade going, little lady? Someday you'll be a Real Woman with big, luscious dirtypillows like mine.
14. I love that outfit! You're so brave.
I'd rather leave the house wearing a barrel held up by suspenders than wear that outfit. That's such a risky ensemble that I am saying something to you that I would say to someone who was fighting cancer.
15. You look so great for your age.
HAY GIRL, AIN'T U THE CRYPTKEEPER? HAY GIRL, SHOULDN'T U BE KEEPIN' THE CRYPT?
16. You [do activity well], for a woman.
You [do activity well], for a douchebag.
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