Could Your Marriage Survive an Injury like This?

The Modersohn's were faced with a huge hurdle just two years into marriage.
The Modersohn's were faced with a huge hurdle just two years into marriage.

Less than two years after Linda and Cory Modersohn married in 1985, Cory was in an accident that left him paralyzed. Here's how they've overcome this hurdle -- together.

When Linda Modersohn got the news that her husband, Cory, had been in a motorcycle crash, her feelings went beyond fear. "I was terrified," she says of that awful day. But it was worse when she saw Cory at the hospital, facedown and strapped to a board. "His back was totally deformed. He said, 'This is really bad. I can't feel or move my legs.' I realized that life as we knew it was over."

At 24, Linda was suddenly faced with caring for a paraplegic: "A doctor with a clipboard ran through a list of scary risks -- the suicide rate, the divorce rate. The more he talked, the harder I cried. He said we'd never be able to have kids. That was the blow of all blows."

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For a few months, Cory lived in a rehabilitation facility, and Linda moved in with her parents: "I'd wake up and it would all come rushing back. I couldn't see how we'd be able to live a normal life."

Over the next year, however, Cory did master most of the tasks of daily living -- doing errands, prepping meals, driving -- while Linda initially took over more physical chores, like changing lightbulbs and putting up the Christmas tree. "I was the one standing on ladders. At first, that got to me," she says. "I felt sorry for myself. One day, I overheard a family planning a backpacking trip; I wanted to yell out, 'It's not fair!' "

But as the years passed, Linda and Cory discovered all the things they could do together, like camping, skiing, and scuba diving (albeit with the help of some special equipment). "I haven't climbed a mountain yet, but I can do practically everything else," he says. "It's almost all possible, if you have the right attitude." Not least of all, despite the doctor's dire prognosis, the couple were able to have three kids, now teenagers, via in vitro fertilization (IVF) and a special sperm-harvesting procedure that became available a decade into their marriage. "We've been really blessed," Cory says.

But Cory's health is still an issue. Seven years ago, he contracted an antibiotic-resistant staph infection, which started as a pressure sore on his backside (common among the wheelchair-bound). After several agonizing months, the infection cleared up.

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Then, two years ago, he fell ill again and had multiple surgeries to remove infected bone and tissue. Every time he went off his cocktail of powerful antibiotics, the infection returned. "One day, the doctor said, 'We've done all we can; you need to get your affairs in order,' " Linda recalls. "I knew Cory was very sick, but it was a total shock. I didn't know how I'd survive without him … Cory gives so much back -- he gets up early to make coffee and breakfast, does so much around the house, surprises me by taking my car to the car wash, then gassing it up. He even leaves me love notes. I feel very appreciated."

Antibiotics finally wiped out Cory's last infection, though it's likely to recur. "We try hard not to dwell on that," says Linda. "Call it denial, but it keeps us sane." For Cory, maintaining a routine (going to church, volunteering, coaching soccer, socializing with friends) is crucial to his emotional well-being. "It reminds me how much we're like every other couple -- talking, laughing, and arguing about money, kids, and sex."

It also helps to remind himself that his wife could have walked away, but didn't. "I don't have a choice when it comes to living with my injury; Linda does," says Cory.

"I didn't fall in love with Cory's ability to walk," Linda explains. "I fell in love with him -- his sense of humor, his positive attitude. Right after his injury, he was cracking jokes and telling everyone that it was going to be OK. In spite of the challenges, he's still that guy."

30% of people who suffer a spinal cord injury are married at the time.

Related: The 10 Biggest "Don'ts" After You've Had a Fight

How to Survive Serious Illness:

1. Have Friday pizza nights.
"Rituals help life feel more normal," says Susan McDaniel, Ph.D., director of the Institute for the Family at the University of Rochester Medical Center.

2. Don't be a mind reader.
Men and women tend to respond to stress differently, so don't assume you know what your mate is feeling, says Pamela Fawcett Pressman, a licensed professional counselor in Voorhees, NJ. "Ask what's on his mind."

3. Voice your gratitude.
Spouses who don't feel appreciated are much more likely to feel dissatisfied in a marriage. Good thing it's so easy to simply say, "Honey, thanks for all you do."

4. Make sure caring goes both ways.
"Every marriage involves give and take, even when someone is sick. If that ratio gets too far out of balance, it can cause real problems," says McDaniel.

5. Face tough times side by side.
"That means going to each other's doctor's appointments, even if you have to take time off work," says Iris Waichler, author of Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster.

- By Ginny Graves

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