CowFACT: Only Ugly People Get Charged with Sexual Harassment

Sexual harassment, I would argue (and would argue better if I had paid the caffeine bill in time, so that my mind were sharper at this moment) is a direct result of the bra-burning, equal rights set which has found a new, tighter grip on the sexual bridle (with the "win" of not having to succumb to base demands of a male bed-mate, choosing instead to roll over, put a pillow over her head and hum the turne to "I am Woman, Hear me Snore..."

Spending dozens of years in the entertainment business as a performer and a manager, I saw how sexual harassment plays during the day in, day out routine in the office.

Let's say Laura is a lovely woman, a former gymnast that now works in accounting. She's got a quick smile but it takes a little longer for the laugh lines to soften than it did before. Late thirties now, she's on the prowl but not in a carnal way that would leave residue if she were to sit on any of the trendy, granite lunch counters for a length of time. She's available… to the right guy.

Arnie, a heavy man in his forties with hair that looks like he's found a disturbing way to comb over his pubic threads into a wispy coif, eyes Laura and his moist tongue jets out a little. He comes up to the counter, where Laura is waiting for a friend (albeit not for a very long time, ahem), and his sweaty, red hands are trembling just slightly and he says: "OOoh, I wouldn't have brown bagged it, if I'd seen what was on the menu!"

A droplet of spittle falls from his lips as he tries to smile. To Laura, his teeth resemble some sort of bony, handmade device Native Americans may have fashioned to carve canoes out of large, dead trees.

Later that day, Arnie is sitting down in HR, once again, getting scolded, once again, for speaking inappropriately to the ladies. He's got one shot left. He'll probably talk to no one for now on, and it's probably for the best. When he gets home, the dozen or so cats will talk to him-- they get Arnie.

Ten minutes later, same scenario, Laura is up on the lunch counter once again, waiting for her friend, kicking her calf high boots together and Hunter comes up with a tray.

"Very dangerous, sitting there, Laura. You could do damage."
"You calling me fat, Hunter? You think I'm going to break the counter?"
"No, damaging to YOU. Don't you know-- to keep the food fresh, the counter top is chilled to below freezing... right now, you probably don't even feel your ass because it's being freeze dried."
Laura smirks, flips her hair. "You seemed terrible worried about my ass."
"Not really. First you're blocking the sloppy joe. Second, I have a solution to fix your impending hypothermia."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, I learned it watching Karate Kid. I just rub my hands together real fast, you hop off and I place them on the injured area. Trust me, it's the only way to save you."
She hops off, smiles, and pokes him in the tight abs: "Oh, no. No so fast, Mr. Miage."
He raises his manicured hands, "Fine, fine. Then let Mr. Miage take you to sushi after work. Warm Saki. That'll bring a little color back into your cheeks." (wink, wink)
Trotting away, she says over her shoulder: "Maybe. Come by my desk at 4pm."

What's the biggest difference here, in this story that is played out in various forms HUNDREDS OF TIMES A WEEK at places across the U.S. ?

Arnie is an Uggo. Gross, unattractive, no self-confidence and probably has a huge collection of used baby shoes in the mud room. Arnie will always get hit with sexual harassment simply by speaking to some women. Sometimes just by looking in their general direction.

Hunter is good looking. Confident and a little funny. It doesn't matter that his comments were many times worse than Arnie's. Hunter is NOT an Uggo. He's a good looking person. He will not only get away with it, but often, these exchanges will get him laid.

As a working fellow in the entertainment industry, I saw this first hand. Luckily, I suppose for me, I was Hunter without the rock hard abs (apparently, it's not Lite beer, if you drink twice as much of it... ). I was way, way over the line many times. Never even an eyebrow-raised (except when she was being coy).

But the "Arnie" of our group? Written up twice. I heard the exchange both times. His lips had been smacking both times, yech. His was inappropriate because he was an Uggo. That's simply how the complexion crumbles.

CowFACT: Sexual Harassment is only filed on UGLY or UNATTRACTIVE people. Never, never good-looking people because you and I LIKE attention (even some harassment) we might get from THEM! It makes us feel good about ourselves.

Now, on occasion Hunter & Co. do get sexual harassment suits thrown at them only because there is a substantial monetary gain to be made by the accuser (or more often) accusers. However, Hunter can avoid the negative ruling simply by sleeping with the judge (no matter their gender).

Addendum: This does not apply for women sexually harassing men. Bring it on, please. The more, the merrier Seriously. All of it and more. Dare yourself to offend us. Please. Except, of course, the Uggo women.

Scratch that... Actually, that's fine, too.

Moo,
--Cowfact