Dear Margo: Considering an affair now that the "spark" is gone

Erin Flaherty, Shine staff


Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places

DEAR MARGO: I'm 30 years old and have been married to an incredible, loving, caring man for 10 years. We have a beautiful family and we adore our children. Our sex life was pretty boring at first, as neither of us had any prior experience, but in the last few years it has improved a lot. The problem is that we have become more distant from each other. We only seem to talk about work, business or the children. We also seem to argue more lately. The spark has gone. I used to try to do different things to get us out of our routine and add some romance and spice to our relationship. During the last year, I've lost interest in even trying to improve things. We have sex frequently, but I don't feel satisfied even after reaching climax. I've been chatting and talking on the phone with someone I met on a dating site a couple of months ago. He's a married man going through a similar situation. We feel very attracted to each other physically and intellectually. We have talked about actually meeting and taking this "affair" to the next level. I feel happy and energized again since I found him. Neither of us wants to break up our family, but we have feelings for each other. Should we surrender to passion and make the fantasy a reality or keep lusting for each other in a platonic way?

--- HEATING UP IN THE HEARTLAND

DEAR HEAT: I have a question for you: What, exactly, are you doing on a dating site? You are married. Looking for afternoon friends is not the way to deal with "the spark is gone" syndrome. I suggest you redirect this energy toward your "incredible, loving, caring man." You may need to talk this out with him, or perhaps let a counselor guide you through the discussion. All you are doing is playing with fire, and your use of the term "fantasy" should tell you something. And just for your edification, the words "lust" and "platonic" cancel each other out. Before you get into real trouble, I hope you get a grip and tell what's-his-name the flirt is over.

--- MARGO, FIRMLY

Way Off Base at the Office

DEAR MARGO: My officemate and I are revolted by our co-worker's constant need to adjust himself. This will occur while meeting with customers and during internal meetings. These adjustments are embarrassingly obvious and frankly disgusting. I have spoken with my manager about my feelings, but it seems the issue persists. Margo, how can we get him to stop manhandling himself at the office?

--- REVOLTED

DEAR REV: If I understand the phrase "adjust himself" as I think you mean it, this would require a male in your office to open the discussion. If the manager won't do it, recruit someone else. Your "representative" should tell him that his, um, adjustments make people uncomfortable -- particularly women people. He might also suggest that this chap try a different kind of underwear, a kind that lessens the need for ... adjustments. Custom tailors always ask a gentleman, "Which side do you dress?" Even without custom tailoring, most men have a way of dealing with this. So far as I know, the only people who can get away with what your co-worker frequently does are major league pitchers and Roseanne Barr. Good luck.

--- MARGO, PRAGMATICALLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

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