Dear Margo: How to smother a relationship

DEAR MARGO: Last February I met an amazing woman online. We have been talking ever since, and we have met. On those occasions, we have been intimate. In many ways I feel I've found someone with whom I feel safe. However, I have always had many friends of the opposite sex. Recently, my best one, who lives locally, has been dealing with some personal issues. As a friend, I was spending time with her, babysitting for her and listening to her without the judgment she was receiving from her family. The problem is that I have been open about my friendships and what I do on a day-to-day basis. Now the woman I love is feeling betrayed, which has put a dent in my long-distance relationship with the woman I feel a complete love for. Had I told her nothing of my friendship, there would be no issue. Now I am trying to make her feel comfortable with a friendship that has never been inappropriate or intimate. She says she just needs time. In the meantime, I have become a recluse from my other friendships because I don't want to withhold information from the woman I love. She has been betrayed so often by other men, and I don't want to be that guy. I wish I could understand what it takes to put her at ease and let her know that I go to bed and wake up thinking about her. What to do?

--- FLUMMOXED AND SAD

DEAR FLUM: I don't think there's anything you can do; maybe a therapist could help. This is one of those situations I call "other voices, other rooms." (Thank you, Truman Capote.) You are having to tread lightly because of her past hurts. What she needs to understand is that you are not these men; you are you. Even with her history, knowledge of you should encourage trust. I would strongly recommend that you not let any woman dictate your outside friendships; it is neurotic, a form of control and certainly a sign of insecurity. I would hang tough on this one, reiterate your faithfulness and see if she can manage. Please stop being a recluse, or ... stop giving her the information she uses to beat you over the head with. If you are to have any future together, it is important that she get with the program rather than you give up your friends.

--- MARGO, FIRMLY

When Child-Rearing Is an Issue with the In-Laws

DEAR MARGO: I am in my mid-40s and married (second time) with three children. Life is basically wonderful. My problem is with my husband's parents. They are great people, but tend to view my parenting skills as "wrong." Not just different, but wrong, and they don't mind saying it in front of the kids, my husband or anyone else who happens to be around. It has gotten to the point where I don't want my kids (or myself) around them. I have tried to talk to them in a respectful way about this and was told I was just being confrontational! My husband really doesn't see what's wrong ... after all, they raised him and he turned out OK. HELP! How can I get through to them?

--- BELEAGUERED MOM

DEAR BE: You can't get through to them, so forget that. What you can do is tune out the "advice." I happened to have lived through this myself. When my kids were little, my mother was not shy about pronouncing my approach too permissive and remarking that it seemed as though my children were being raised by wolves. As they grew up, it became a joke. This, too, shall pass, your kids will get older, and this will become a non-issue.

--- MARGO, PATIENTLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

FOR MORE DEAR MARGO GO TO YAHOO NEWS!