Dear Whys Guy: "My Fiance Has a Fantasy Involving My Friend"

By Aaron Traister, REDBOOK

DEAR WHYS GUY: My fiance and I are getting married in 16 days, and also starting a family. All of a sudden, he has this fantasy involving me and one of my friends that he used to not like. I asked him why he'd want to risk our relationship, and he said this would help him overcome his insecurities and boost his self-confidence. Why would he want to risk everything we have for, as he put it, one last night of "single fun?"

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Uh-oh. I didn't find this in my inbox until well after the expiration date on the 16 days occurred. But I feel like this deserves a response. Impending marriage makes guys do bizarre things, for instance: suggesting a three-way with his fiancee and ONE OF HER FRIENDS. That's the kind of poorly conceived plan that smacks of pre-wedding crazy. I'm trying to imagine what would have happened if I asked Karel for a menage a trios WITH ONE OF HER FRIENDS two weeks before our wedding. I'm guessing I'd be writing this with one less testicle. Is this friend invited to the wedding? How about the honeymoon?

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First of all, forget the insecurity stuff because guys with insecurity issues aren't looking for a larger audience to not perform in front of. I see a couple possible options when it comes to his motivation.

1) He has cold feet bordering on frost bite and has momentarily lost his ability to think rationally.
2) He doesn't want to get married and wants to torpedo the whole thing without actually having to fire the shot.
3) He wants to set a precedent for how the relationship is going to operate. If you swing with him a few days before the wedding then why wouldn't you swing with him after the vows? He may have waited to show you his "man with a van" side until 16 days before the wedding because it's harder for you to turn tail and run at that point-there is a sense of commitment when you've bought the dress and the vendors have your deposits.

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You know your guy better than I do: Is he just being dumb, or is he being wimpy and manipulative, or horny and manipulative? The first one you can live with; the other two are surefire signs you should cut bait and run.

Personally, I saved all my crazy for the before the birth of my kids, but I bet some of you readers have stories about your guys doing irrational stuff before the wedding. I'd love for you to share 'em if you've got 'em, and maybe your experiences will help this young woman make a decision (after the fact).

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Also, if you are still out there I'd love a followed up since I'm not really sure how to deal once those cards have been laid on the table by a significant other.


Need help decoding odd male behavior? Redbook columnist Aaron Traister, who lives in Philadelphia with his wife and two kids, is our resident male who is happy to answer any questions you might have about the mind of a man. Either leave your questions in the comments or email him at redbook@hearst.comwith Whys Guy in the subject. Letters, emails, and comments may be edited for clarity and length.

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Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.