Is a Democrat-Republican Relationship Destined to Fail?
During the last election, my neighbors Mark and Jennifer were at odds with each other. They had been married for over 25 years and always voted for the same party. This year was different. Mark was voting for McCain, and Jennifer was voting for Obama.
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Jennifer and Mark work together in their family business and have raised four great sons. Jennifer tends to be outspoken and sees the world in black and white, right and wrong. Mark is much more easy going and flexible. Like other couples they have overcome challenges yet still remain devoted to each other.
Mark had mentioned to me that he was planning to vote Republican this year. I didn't know how they were handling their differences but one day as I walked past their front yard I noticed two political signs in their yard. They were shoved into the ground right next to each other.
I smiled because it looked as if someone had measured the distance from the street to the signs to make sure that each one had an equal chance of being viewed by passing cars. I laughed as I squelched my juvenile desire to move one of the signs a few inches closer to the street just to bug them.
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A few days later, Jennifer and I took our dogs out for a long walk. She reported that she and Mark were doing great and getting along despite their allegiance to different candidates. She shared how she and Mark were able to handle their differences.
1. Discuss, don't dismiss. Rather than let your temper get the better of you, choose to be proactive and work out the rules for the duration of the campaign. Mark and Jennifer decided to let it all out while they watched the debates. They cracked jokes, complained, and groused about the other's candidate as loud as they could. After the debate was over they agreed to calmly listen to each other's viewpoint. Instead of reacting and dismissing each other, they were open to discussing the issues.
2. Respect each other. Remember that you both want the same outcome and respect each others path. When Mark and Jennifer purchased their home, they knew that renovating and restoring their 19th century home would be challenging because they planned to do the work themselves. They both had a clear vision of what their home would look like, but they learned early on that it was impossible for them to agree on every paint color and lighting fixture.
They applied these same skills to their disagreements regarding the presidential candidates. They both realized that ultimately they wanted the same end result; a healthy country.
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3. Stop overreacting. Jennifer noticed that when she did get upset, it felt as if she was overreacting. They had decided to discuss things and respect each other, and she had no idea why she felt betrayed because they weren't voting the same ticket. When she overreacted she knew intuitively that she wasn't reacting to the current situation. She felt she was reacting to some older subconscious issue. When she found herself feeling this way, she took the time to take a deep breath, and made sure that she didn't say anything hurtful.
4. ... and if you do overreact, move past it. Overreacting isn't a bad thing but ignoring these feelings can cause problems later on. When you find you overreact it's a good opportunity to think about other similar situations in your life when you felt the same way. In Jennifer's case, I suggested that she think of times she felt betrayed by others.
Jennifer spent time reviewing past experiences and sounded excited when she called me the next day. She was surprised she remembered unresolved anger and disappointment about an earlier situation when she felt betrayed by someone else. Now that she understood where it came from she was then able to separate it from her current situation with Mark and her overreaction about his voting for the other guy disappeared.
Written by Wendy Merron for YourTango.com.
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