'Do I look Fat?' - What He's Really Thinking

This morning, my husband and I went through a typical female/male exchange: I asked him if 'I looked like I was gaining weight.' Mind you, this is not a question I ask frequently, but once in awhile, if I feel bloated or my pants feel more snug than normal, I succumb to my insecurities and ask Dave for his honest opinion on how I look.

Needless to say, his response was less than convincing…or for that matter, less than verbal. He kind of danced around the topic for a second or two and then finally blurted, "No, you don't look fat…you just don't look like you used to." What? What is that supposed to mean? And the discussion ensued.

After a lot of back and forth, none of which really helped, Dave finally stated that women make it too difficult to be honest around this topic. It made me stop and think, and as a result, I asked him to partake in this blog entry to help women understand why men have such a difficult time being honest, and when they finally are, it comes out in a seemingly hurtful way. Dave…take it away.

Response

Hi Ladies,

Let me start off by stating my thesis on this matter: Men lie to the women they love about appearance, because we have been trained by women to do so.

Believe it or not, this co-written blog article was actually my idea. So why would I be willing to get publicly humiliated by the asynchronous nature of blogging? One reason: because I think every woman who reads this post will learn something about themselves and the thoughts of their significant other.

In the context of this post I figure it is relevant to know that I am 32 years old, and am an only child with a pretty normal upper-middle upbringing. I keep myself in pretty good shape (working out 3 to 5 times a week) and eat decently healthy. Finally, I've dated 3 women seriously in my life, the last being of course my wife, who I love very much. OK, enough of the Facebook profile.

As Brett alludes to above, I was abruptly thrust into a modern day King Solomon role when she asked me "If she was gaining weight". Admittedly, I was not as smooth as Mr. Solomon and stumbled through a weak, and not particularly helpful answer. In hindsight this was wrong and dumb. The correct answer: She had gained about 5 pounds. Seems weird right? Why would I avoid answering her question? First off, 5 pounds is not much weight so she probably would not be offended. Second, my wife and I have a very honest relationship. I have told her much more controversial things. So why back down on this one, why now? The answer: Because I have been trained by the women in my life to do so.

Let me explain. In my experience with women, the common question of "how do I look" never amounts to any good. You are truly dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. If you tell your significant other she looks like she gained weight, you get a slew of either angry or insecure responses. If you placate her, you can move on with your day. No questions asked, no issues raised. But now, you have a misguidedly confident and heavier wife/girlfriend. Believe me, I have tried both sides of this coin, they are both futile.

So, I began to think about whether I was a special case. Maybe I have sought out women who act like this. Then I began to look around at the world. I looked to the thousands of comedians who do jokes on this subject, the umpteen episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond dedicated to the topic, and the fact that every man I have every talked to has said the same thing, etc. That's when it hit me. I, and all men, are just acting as any rational being would. When hit with a stick long enough, you eventually avoid that activity. If that stick is on both sides of the equation then you just avoid the situation all together.

After some thought, I eventually decided that the solution to all of this needs to come from the woman's side. If you want to be confident about your body, then encourage your husband and praise him for telling you that you are gaining a couple of pounds or looking a bit heavier. The likelihood is that your husband or boyfriend is not there to hurt you and if they tell you that you are gaining weight, it is just the reality.

So my challenge to you ladies, is to step up, be confident in yourselves, encourage honesty in your relationship, and stop training us to avoid or lie about the subject of personal appearance. Thank you for your time, and for listening to my lobby for a reprieve from the death sentence of "how do I look in this dress"?

Relevant Topics:
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