Who Should Dominate in Bed?
April Daniels Hussar,SELF magazine
Think the natural order of things is for the guy to lead and the woman to follow when it comes to getting freaky in the bedroom? Think again! A new study shows how assumptions like that--situations in which the woman assumes the man should take control--can make you less comfortable, less confident and less safe in the bedroom. How NOT sexy is that?
Yale University's Lisa Rosenthal, Ph.D., surveyed heterosexual, sexually active students from a Northeastern university about their levels of sexual confidence, their beliefs about who should dominate sexually (men or women) and their general attitudes about societal roles of both genders.
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The study subjects, who were alone in a room while answering the written questions, were also seated next to a bowl of female condoms, along with a note that read: "Protect yourself and your partner. Please take some! FREE FEMALE CONDOMS."
"Our findings suggest that for both women and men, the more they endorse traditional power hierarchies in society, the more they believe that men should dominate sexually, the lower sexual self-efficacy -- or confidence in sexual situations -- they have, and the less interested they are in female condoms," Rosenthal tells SELF.
Moral of the story: The more empowered you feel, and the more you believe that sex should be between equals, the more likely you are to not only protect yourself, but also feel more sexually confident, take on new roles and enjoy yourself.
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Need to work on your sense of sexual empowerment? Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of IgniteYourPleasure.com, offers these great tips:
Know your body. "Become familiar with what's between your legs," says Levine. "Make the time to look at your vulva and vagina in a mirror and explore. Use your hands or a toy and see how you like to be touched. I always say you can't expect a partner to sexually satisfy you until you learn how to do it for yourself."
Have your own stash of condoms. "Take yourself on a pleasure mission and walk into the drug store to scope out the condoms and lube," says Levine. "It may require courage, but know you can do it, and before you know it you'll be standing in the aisle staring at all the options!" Still nervous? "Shop online," she recommends. "Having the package sent to your home can be an accomplishment."
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Make sounds. "If you tend to be mum when you're in the sack, learn to be more vocal by letting sounds flow out of your mouth," Levine advises. "Being able to sexually express yourself and let go is one sign of a sexually confident and empowered woman."
Communicate your desires. Not comfortable telling your partner what you like? "Practice makes perfect!" says Levine. "If you say sexual words and phrases as you look into a mirror, it's a great way to learn how to talk erotically."
Take charge. "You don't have to be in the driver's seat the entire time -- simply start with something basic, like giving him a kiss or massage, and see where it leads," says Levine. "The key is to remain an active partner during your sex session -- unless of course you're role-playing a Fifty Shades scene!"
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