Don't Give Up Your Power to Insecurity

When I was young, I was afraid to go from kindergarten to first grade because I "didn't want to be with the big kids." I was terrified of the tooth fairy because I didn't want her in my room while I was asleep, and I was scared of a Hawaiian doll in my doll case because I was convinced she came alive at night.

I couldn't avoid first grade but I kept my tooth pillow in my parents' room and I hid my doll at night. At a young age I found a way to conquer my fears by hiding from them.

Although these fears are comical now, at the time they were very real to me. Today, my fears have ranged from public speaking, to running for class office, to moving to a foreign city, to beginning a new relationship, to starting my own business. It always started with that little voice that asked "what if" followed by a negative possibility, and it got progressively louder and louder until the words of encouragement began to sound like a dull hum.

These fears guided me for many years to what I considered safety.

But after years of being "protected," I began to question the reason for my fears and I not only learned to face them, but their truth and purpose was revealed.

Where do our fears and insecurities originate? If you watch a baby you realize how much fear can change you as an adult. Babies cry when they need something and they don't worry who notices. They flirt openly with virtual strangers and it is considered cute. They ask for what they need, they dance and sing regardless of who is watching and they spit out their food simply because they don't like it. They don't worry what people will think and how their actions come across.

Babies grow up and view life's challenges through the eyes of their teachers. Think back to your childhood days. Did you have parents that encouraged you to take on challenges in your life? Or did they emphasize how difficult it would be for you? Did you have teachers that praised your efforts or did they discourage you with words of defeat? Did you have siblings that you were always being compared to? Did you feel less intelligent, or less beautiful than one of them? Did you try something and you were told you were a failure?

According to Dr. Lindsay Weisner, Clinical Psychologist, some fear is used as protection. "As children, we watch our parents struggle with exciting endeavors or shy away from new experiences, and this gives us unspoken guidelines for how we should live our own lives. Then, as a child begins to take chances, they are either rewarded with encouraging words, or punished with spoken or unspoken disapproval. These messages of encouragement or disapproval are often carried into adulthood and can eventually become fear that inhibits an adult life."

I have many friends and clients who are held hostage by their own insecurities. One client, Tamara, refuses to date because she is scared of rejection. She hasn't been on a date in three years. The pain of her last relationship scarred her so badly that she has convinced herself that it is better to be alone.

"I know it sounds crazy but my last relationship was so painful and I feel like my heart will physically break if I put myself through that again," she said. "I am finally OK and I need to stay away from that kind of stress."

Another client, Theresa, has avoided starting her own business because she is afraid of failing on a single income. "I hate my current job. I really dread getting up in the morning but I have to wait until I get married to start my own business. Then, at least if I fail, I have backup."

I often tell friends and clients that our thoughts create our reality. I say this because I know it to be true. I used to confront new experiences anticipating more of the same, which was more negativity. I expected the same outcome and I would always be right. People would say, "You are psychic, how did you know that would happen?"

But the truth is I believed in the negative outcome so much that it would happen. I believed I was destined to have awful dating experiences and terrible jobs. I would date a new guy and expect him to disappear and he would. I would start a new job with passion but expect that feeling to disappear and it would. I would expect my flight to be delayed and it would. Psychic? No, negative is a better description.

When we live in fear we find more to fear. When we believe that we will fail, we will. When we believe we are not good enough, we aren't.

It is simple. We have the power to create our destiny through our own beliefs. The sad part is many of us hand that power over to our insecurities. We tell ourselves that we may not get what we want, so we are afraid to try. We avoid relationships or we enter them with expectations of a terrible outcome. We avoid applying for a job that we may not be qualified for. But, by doing that, we send out a signal that we don't deserve to have what we want. We hide behind our mental picture of a failed attempt, instead of visualizing our success.

We are faced with fear and insecurity in every day challenges, but it is how we meet these difficulties that determines not only our strength of character, but how open we are to life's process. When life is going smoothly we never stop to reflect on how great things are, although we should. It is only in moments of struggle that we learn to be strong. What if we started viewing our insecurities as steppingstones to greater success?

What if we focused on our power rather than our weaknesses?

The movie Under the Tuscan Sun talks about a train track being built in Europe before there even was a train, but they knew that it would come, and it did. What if you learned to go through life trusting that it will all be OK and that you can take a risk and not only survive, but truly live?

As Louisa May Alcott says, "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship."

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