Em & Lo's Sex and Love Horoscopes
For the week of June 22nd...
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Keep yourself busy this week. And we don't mean by re-organizing your sock drawer or making it a Blockbuster Night. Go out on the town, wine, dine, take in the sights, absorb some local culture, flirt, shake your groove thang, sing karaoke, make out in dark corners. You're much hotter when you're cooking something up than when you just order in.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Whenever you're feeling particularly broke, you can head over to your gourmet grocery store and nosh on all their free samples. Not only can you fill up on tasty snacks, but you avoid splashing out on some of the supermarket's less successful culinary experiments. This week, let friendship be your equivalent of trying before buying. Get to know someone before putting your heart on the line. Otherwise, it could end up mashed in the blender like the unfortunate pureed pea dip you sampled last week.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars say you don't need to settle for someone who is still committed to someone else. We say you're a whole hell of a lot better than any fence-sitting, lying, cheating jerk-face who can't see that you're just the cat's meow who deserves nothing less than everything, including total devotion. So if there's anyone like that in your life right now, hit the eject button.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Honesty is the best policy. Don't keep things bottled up inside. Express yourself. Open the doors of communication. Pour out your heart and soul. Spill your guts.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You know that self-helpy cliché, "You can't love anyone else until you love yourself?" It's a fave of Oprah's. While we wince at the thought of administering any love/lust guidance that might appear verbatim on Dr. Phil, we do think that special person in your life, the one closest to your heart, the one you know better than anyone else-yes, we're talking about you, Einstein-is in need of a little more self love (define "self love" however you see fit). Again, before you can dish it, you should be able to take it-it makes things go more smoothly in the bedroom once you get someone else in there.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It's probably best to avoid attempting stealth hypnosis with the object of your affection or tying them to your bedpost in the middle of the night while they're in dreamland. Ambushing: never a good idea. Instead, try honest communication to get what you want this week-you'll feel better about yourself in the morning and avoid incarceration altogether.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The stars tell us that you should expect "changes regarding your love life" and that you shouldn't hesitate to "go with the flow." If you do, apparently, "the end result could be quite amusing." Amusing for whom, we're not sure. But if people start laughing near you this week, well, you'll know why-your love life is just so damn funny. Bwah ha ha!
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Rehab is all the rage these days, especially among "exhausted" celebritites (if only we were all rich and powerful enough to check ourselves into a fancy spa every time we got tired). There's booze and pills and gambling, but lately, it's love you've been addicted to (with all apologies for putting that Robert Palmer song into your head). And we think you should check yourself into relationship rehab for a week. Your need to be in a relationship and your desire to fall in love may trick you into believing you've found the one. And don't try to tell us you could stop anytime . . .
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We're so sick of these cheesy, formulaic Hollywood-machine movies with their pat lessons on love and life: Follow your heart, insists Katherine Heigl sweetly. Sneee-bull s----eeeze! In real life, that's exactly what leads to being left at the altar with a bun in the oven and no money. Think with your head this week. Hell, think with your willie/weegeena if you have to. Just be sure to ignore your heart.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don't be surprised if any of the following somehow creep up in conversation this week: "If you won't marry me, I'll go gay"; "If you leave, I'll shave my cat"; "If we can't have sex every day, I'll bonk our mail carrier"; "If you don't start using deodorant, I'll vote Republican." Don't get bullied by ultimatums-giving into them doesn't help anyone. Except the Republicans. And your mail carrier.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This week is not looking good for love. Not good at all. We're not sure if there's anything you can do to avoid the impending problemos romantico, but you might want to try avoiding physical encounters, not rushing into anything, being discriminating, taking the week off and locking yourself indoors until mid-September, etc. We hope we're not freaking you out. It's really not that bad . . . Oh, who are we kidding? Yes it is. Good luck, buddy!
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, go to your local sex shop and pick up something you've never tried before-or never would have even thought of trying: high-quality vibrator with multiple extensions, vibrating love ring, Smart Balls, edible underwear (on second thought, those things taste terrible), anal beads that jingle, etc. Then run home and convince your partner to play along -- gently, gently.
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