Is it Ever Okay to Pick Someone Up at a Funeral?

By A.J. Jacobs

You want the smartest life advice in the world? Don't ask A.J. Jacobs. Ask A.J. and his 122,000 Facebook friends. Esquire's editor-at-large sifts through the wisdom of the crowd to solve all your toughest questions about sex, manners, food and the issue of thick, lustrous arm hair. Send questions to @ajjacobs, or ask A.J. via his Facebook page.

THIS WEEK'S QUESTION

"A few months ago, I attended a funeral of the mother of a friend. Minutes after she was buried, the cousin of my friend (whom I didn't know at all) asked me out. He then gave me his number without my asking for it. I thought it was out of place and I never called him. The question is, is it okay to ask somebody out on a date at a cemetery? And how should one react?" -Janet, Atlanta

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Janet, my Facebook followers were very interested in what pickup line this smooth operator used. Did he perhaps try "I know it's a weird thing to say at my aunt's funeral, but you make me feel alive" (Kester Smith's guess)? If it was a Jewish funeral, maybe he went with "Your place or minyan?" (David Meyer)? Or was it more along the lines of "You're giving me rigor mortis…in my pants" (the thirteen-year-old boy living inside my brain)?

I could go on (someone made an embalming fluid reference), but let's get to the advice. As you might expect, the vast majority (about 70 percent) said that this guy had committed a faux pas of Shia LeBeouf proportions, but let's break it down:

EW! NO!

Jane Vasey McCaig suggests this man is a "sociopath." Nando Pelusi worded it a little more diplomatically, saying he suffers "obliviousness to the situational environment." And Brenna Neddz Ehrlich offers a practical solution: "Push him into an open grave. Then hold a séance for his manners."

Laura Wigod gives us this helpful guide to romance: "Before you ask someone out, ask yourself, 'Is there a corpse present?' If the answer is yes, then you may want to delay your pursuit. People can be funny and oftentimes do not find rotting flesh sexy or romantic. Imagine."

On the other hand, many naysayers admitted a funeral may actually be an effective pickup spot: People are vulnerable and emotional. And black is slimming. And yet, they agreed with Laura: Leave your libido at home.

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SURE, WHY NOT?

They were the minority, but there was still a strong showing of the "gather ye phone numbers while ye may" contingent. As Anders Bohman says, "Life is way too short to not give it a go if you find someone you might want to spend the rest of your life with."

Jeffrey Fuchs seconds that. "My grandparents met in Auschwitz," he writes. "There are many stories of love during that time. A cemetery, or death, should never get in the way of saying, 'Hi, this is my number. Let's meet.' Perspective, people!"

These carpe diem folks want us to remember our clocks are ticking. In fact, you know what's a pretty good reminder that life is fleeting? A corpse. Right in front of your face. We're all going to end up in the same position as Janet's friend's mom, no matter how many acai berries we eat, so funerals are, in a weird way, a good place for romance.

THE VERDICT

I actually side with the minority on this one. Funerals should not be totally off-limits for love-though some serious conditions need to be attached.

It sounds as if Janet's would-be suitor had a single-digit EQ. He asked her out "minutes after" the burial, and foisted his number on her despite her no-thanks signals.

If you do happen to meet a potential soul mate at a funeral, you should have a substantial conversation with him or her-at least fifteen minutes. If you feel you can't restrain yourself from asking for his/her number, at least wait till the end of the event and acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation. A little self-awareness goes a long way.

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But much better: wait a few days and then get the number from a mutual friend.

I'll leave you with a parting thought (so to speak) from Anders Bohman. He writes, "I really hope that my family and friends arrange a big roast in my honor, laughing, eating, and chatting together, and remember 'my last day' as something fun and beautiful. If two people later find love at my funeral, I wouldn't mind at all (as long as they ain't family/related)."

That does sound fun. But if you really want a rockin' funeral, come to mine. Three words: wet veil contest.


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