Every Marriage Needs a Back Up Plan

In this post I wrote about not getting enough home front support husband. Rex was spending a lot of time in the office, leaving me to fend for myself with two rowdy kids. (For the haters out there, no he was not having an affair. Don't you wish he were, though? It would sure put me in my place for asking for more of what I need of which is time, support and a few laughs. God forbid I admit I can't handle everything on my own.)

Speaking of which, I told Rex I needed some more help. Seven years into parenthood I finally woke up from my "you can do it all" coma to realize I didn't have a cape stored underneath my sweat shirt. I did have a ton of field trip permission slips, grocery receipts, and one stale bag of pretzles... just one more reason my life was spiraling away from me and into a very messy "Take care of everyone else and, sadly, you're not doing it very well" vortex.

Rex really stepped up. He now comes home early when he can. My part of the bargain is to not complain the second he walks in the door. (I give him at least a minute.) It's not like he can fix everything anyway. But... but... if I've had a bad day, he listens. There's one frustration I just can't seem to shake. He knows all he has to do is hear me vent. Five minutes later, I might vent again. And then, I"m done for tweny four hours. It's just one of those things that, until I can find the right scratch for my itch, he's just going to have to be patient with. And man am I ever so grateful. It's made a world of difference.

I'm beyond elated Rex saw my distress and proved himself the amazing husband I knew I had married. But what if he had said no? What if he had sat crossed armed (as he has done in the past over other issues) and said, "Sorry... I just can't help right now..." What would I have done?

Some of you out there might yell, "Divorce! I wouldn't put up with that for two seconds!" Really? Because where would that lead me? To more nights home alone with two kids? With even less time on my hands? Um, yeah, that sounds really reasonable.

Instead, my back up plan was to take care of myself anyway. I would put the kids to bed earlier. I would trade more with friends. I would pre-pack meals for school lunches. Anything to give me a break at the end of the day. Most importantly, I would hold on to dear life to the knowledge that, if Rex were unable to make that switch the moment I needed it, it wouldn't mean he would never make that change. He would simply need more time - especially since my request was reasonable. I wasn't asking for boat loads of cash or vacations in Maui. I needed some time... a listening ear.

The same theory holds true for me. How many times has he asked me to be more cautious with my spending? To this day, I still go over budget. I don't mean to, but I do. It just doesn't come as natural to me as it does to him, just like the idea of playing a board game at night with the kids is not at the forefront of his brain after a long day project managing.

Marriage is a give and take. It means taking the lovely, along with the ugly, parts of our spouses. I'm not talking about abuse. I'm talking about that other issue that perhaps the two of you have fought like cats and dogs about since the honeymoon ended. We all have them.

Maybe our spouses will change, maybe they won't. But the back-up plan, at least for me, is to change what I can. I can change my way of looking at the bad stuff. I can focus on the good stuff. I can remember that man I married ten years and remember how much he loves me despite all of my crazy flaws. Oh, man, don't make me write about those tonight.,

I'd love to know what your biggest beef is with your spouse. How do you get over it? What is your back up plan when it doesn't change right away?

Posted by Andrea Frazer


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