By Screwing the Rules expert Laurel House
"You're the worst lay and head I have ever had."
sexy bodySome guys say that kind of thing when you break up with them as a way to get back at you. "Yeah, screw you! You sucked (and not well) anyway!" This guy broke up with me. And while telling me that I was awful in bed was certainly a blow, it was true. I had no idea how to suck. And considering that I am my own worst critic, beat myself up if I look stupid, say the wrong thing, or don't come out on top (though I prefer the bottom in bed), I took the comment as constructive criticism and began to research.
I went to the bookstore and got a book written by a woman who was given notes on how to give head by her best gay guy friend. I devoured this book, reading it over and over again, taking notes on the pages, doing the motions with my hands and tongue in the air looking like an absolute freak at stop lights. And while a book-based education is great, there's nothing like the real thing.
After a couple of weeks of dating the next guy I was with, after sex I asked him for "Notes."
"What did you most like?"
"What can I do differently, better, stop doing all together?"
This wasn't an insecure "was that good enough for you" type of questioning, but rather I wanted to be the best I could be, and the best way to find out was to understand how he experienced me.
Sex and dating is one area in which we can't (or rarely) have a mentor to show us the ropes (unless you're with Christian Grey). We are really out there learning from personal experience. Sure, there are manuals and guide books, but it's really one of those things that has to be learned from experience. Kind of like riding a bike. You can be told the mechanics of the thing, understand the step by step, but you don't really get it until it's in your body.
But here's the thing about Notes- you have to take your ego out of it. You are asking to be told what you are bad at, what needs improvement, in addition to what you're good at. This is not about blowing smoke or fishing for compliments. If you can't handle the truth, don't ask for it. But if you don't ask for it, you're also limiting yourself. You're saying, "I'm okay not being great at this." And you know what? I am not okay not being great at it. I want to be a damn good lay and give damn good head. What's the point of having crappy sex? I would rather skip it than endure it.
The awesome thing about asking for Notes is that you are opening up communication with your significant other in a very honest and vulnerable way, which can seriously deepen your relationship and tighten your bond. Not to mention that you are showing them that you really want to please them (which they should appreciate) and that can only lead to better sex. And who doesn't want that?
So how do you go about asking for these Notes?
Similar to how you aren't supposed to tell someone that they have a drinking problem when they are drunk, or that they should seriously consider anger management classes when they are it a fit of rage, don't ask your guy how you did or how you're doing during or even immediately after sex. Instead, ask a few hours later, maybe at dinner, at breakfast, before falling asleep when just laying together in bed chatting at night, in a bath… somewhere that you are both relaxed, open, focused on each other, and interested in communicating. Then say: "I really loved our sex today. It seemed like you liked it when I did --------. What else did you like? What about when I go down on you, what do you like the best that I do? I want to make you feel good. What should I focus on more? What don't you like as much? I won't get upset, I really do want to know what you like and don't like."
See… you start with the good, and ease into asking about the bad. The reason? He might think it's weird at first that you want to be criticized, not realizing that it can be constructive, that you won't get mad (DO NOT GET MAD AND USE THIS AGAINST HIM!), and that you truly would like his direction.
Sure, pick your battles. You don't have to be good at everything. But this is one thing that I want to be awesome at! So for that… it's all about Notes.
Laurel HouseLaurel House is a Lifestylist, Dating and Relationship Expert, 4x published Lifestyle Author, and nationally recognized Print and Online Magazine Writer covering travel, relationships, healthy food and fitness (New You, Women's Health, First for Women, Men's Journal, Yahoo! Shine, Elegant Bride, Fit, Spa, Fit Yoga, Playboy, etc). Beyond writing, she has appeared as an expert on television morning shows including E! News, Weekend TODAY, The Daily Buzz, Better.TV, KTLA Morning News, CBS, Fox, NBC, and ABC Morning News shows both locally and nationally, and her YouTube videos have received over 9 million views. Her 4th book "QuickieChick's Cheat Sheet to Life, Love, Food, Fitness, Fashion and Finance on a Less than Fabulous Budget" was published by St. Martin's in May 2012. She is also hired to give personalized dating and relationship advice at ScrewingTheRules.com.