In a recent post on this very site, writer Samantha Bailey wrote about her (sadly) non-existent sex life: "It's simply about trying to be intimate amid the chaos of kids." I just happened to read her post one day after I had a quickie sex session in the back of my boyfriend's Acura that was parked in his garage.
Unlike Bailey, the "chaos of kids," as she puts it, has actually improved my sex life tenfold. In fact, I've had more sex since my boyfriend and I blended our families (we now have three girls between the two of us). Actually, I've had more sex since I've been with him - with our combined three children around - than I have possibly in the last decade of my life! (Sorry, Bailey.)
There is something about the "chaos of kids" that is such a huge turn on for us. Forget about handcuffs and blindfolds and licking. I'm talking about the good, old-fashioned quickie! Let me explain. Because there are three children always wanting to spend time with us - and we do spend almost all our time with them, except for approximately 5 to 7 minutes each day - my boyfriend and I are forced to act like teenagers living under a roof with our parents and having no other way to have sex but to sneak in quickies.
With the "chaos of kids" upstairs, we have done it in his main floor bathroom (we come out bruised and battered, which is what happens when your back is on a marble floor and your knees are hitting a toilet boil. But I can live with that.) With the "chaos of kids" downstairs, we have done it in his upstairs bathroom, too, with the shower running, just in case. At my house, we've done it in my walk-in closet (oh, if those clothes could talk!) and the unused extra bedroom in the basement that has no bed (so we do it on the floor and, yes, we get carpet burn). And even after dinner, while the kids are settled in watching a movie upstairs, we've done it my fenced in, very private, backyard on my patio table.Who Has Time For Sex Anymore? (The Hot Kind, Anyway)
Once, after dropping the kids off at my boyfriend's club, where they were watched by the program director, we drove to his office, five minutes away, and did it on his office desk. We were back at the club faster than it takes to order a meal at McDonalds.
Bailey is right, in a way, when she writes, "It's simply about trying to be intimate amid the chaos of kids." Well, it isn't always "simple." We have to somewhat "plan" where we're going to do these quickies - but that in itself builds excitement. We often have to tell the children that we're walking the dog, or we're just going to get ready to go out, or we're going to put out the garbage.
Still, when we're right in the midst of our quickies and we can hear the children walking or talking or coming near wherever we are, it's even more of a turn on. And, while we don't ever get the chance to lie there after our quickies, whispering sweet nothings, it's still very intimate in the sense that we both know as we watch a movie with our kids, prepare dinner, play American Idol on the television or take them to the mall post-quickie, that we have this "secret," that we just "got away" with something that only we know about.
Plus, what better way to shake up your sex life than being forced to do it in the back of a car or on a bathroom floor or an outside patio table just to hide from the children? Not only am I getting more sex than ever, I feel like a teenager again.My Kids Have Impeccable Timing When It Comes To Ruining My Sex Life
Now before you think that we're ditching the kids just so we can just have sex, we're not (so no awful comments, please!). The eldest has already been babysitting for neighbors with toddler twins on her own for months. She can easily watch our other two (who are seven and nine) for two to seven minutes (the average length of our quickies). We make sure they are well settled, happy and busy before we head somewhere, whether it's a closet or behind a tree in my backyard, and before we have sex like we're trying to win a race.
Bailey also writes in her article that she can't "turn mommy off for long enough to get turned on." Well, even after we put our kids to sleep and are completely exhausted after having spent the day taking them for breakfast, then Costco to shop, then for manicures and pedicures, then for lunch, then for a movie and then for dinner, I may not be able to turn mommy off, either. What mother ever can? But I also can't turn it off because the worry that we're going to be caught is a turn on. (We never have been caught, by the way, because we're that good at sneaking around and having sex in such small spaces sometimes; it's a good thing we both do yoga.)
"Do you think we'll have time?" we'll say to each other with only our eyes when the kids are happily playing together with dolls in the playroom. And - poof - the next thing we know we're off in some washroom or a walk-in closet, or the back of a car, or my laundry room.
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I feel for Bailey having a baby and a toddler but trust me when I say that a seven-, eight-, and 12-year-old are just as exhausting. They always need to be busy.
But even at night when we know our kids are fast asleep and we are exhausted, truly exhausted, and can finally have sex in an actual bed, sex that lasts more than two to five minutes (what a concept!), we still want to do it, because we both feel that we "can't let the kids win!" Yes, I may lie there and say to him, "Sorry, you're going to have to do all the work," but we still do it and I always get into it (sometimes twice!) because "we can't let the kids win!" We do so much for them (and this is not a complaint but a truism), the least we can do for ourselves is have a good sex life.
And, after we do it in bed, I lay there happily, cuddling in his arms, thinking how great it is that we still want to do it no matter how tired we are, while the loves of our lives are sleeping peacefully down the hallway in their bedrooms. At those moments, I feel truly blessed.
Bailey suggests people thinking of starting a family should forget the advice about getting all the sleep you can before the baby is born and instead, "have all the nasty, dirty, delicious sex you can because those memories will have to last for a long time."
But I still remember, because it just happened yesterday, having a quickie on an old couch in my basement while the kids put on a fashion show for each other upstairs. We were downstairs for an entire six minutes. Ah, the memory.
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