THIS POST WAS WRITTEN BY EVE's SOCIETY's LOVE AND LIFE GURU, TERRY HERNON MACDONALD.
You're happily seeing a guy, things seem to be going great, and then he turns to you and says, "Just so you know, I'm not ready for a relationship."
Is there anything more frustrating?EVE's Society Love and Relationship Guru, Terry Hernon MacDonald
It's frustrating because he gave you every signal that he liked you and wanted to be with you, and now he's turned your world on its head. And you're thinking, "Have I imagined things? Did I do something wrong?" And so on...
What you DON'T do now is tell yourself, "He's afraid of getting hurt," or, "Hedoesn't know what he wants. I'll convince him he wants a relationship with me."
You see, it's not your job now to to concern yourself with his fears or what you perceive as his confusion at this point. Your only concern is to take what he said (i.e., "I don't want a relationship") at face value.
HERE'S WHAT YOU DO INSTEAD
He says, "Just so you know, I'm not ready for a relationship."
You say, "What are you ready for?"
He says (usually something to this effect), "I just want to keep things light right now," or, "I just want to have a little fun."
You say, "Interesting."Pause.Then you say, "You see, this is what I'm ready for. I'm ready to love someone who loves me back. I'm ready to wake up in the morning next to that person, make him my best friend, and have fun with him for the rest of my life."
By doing this, you haven't just told him, "I WANT A RELATIONSHIP," you've defined exactly what kind of relationship you want (I'm assuming this is what you want,as opposed to finding a man to marry to get your mother off your back). Perhaps his definition of"relationship" was different from yours, and now you've definitely clarified it for him.
What's more, you've clarified your intention to yourself, to God, and the universe.(This is extremely powerful.)
Now you tell the guy goodnight, goodbye, whatever.
You have given him something huge to think about, so give him ample time to think about it. It's entirely possible that no woman has ever spoken quite so clearly to him before. He may:
a) Never see you again (which would be a good thing because no woman is ever going to convince a man to have a relationship he doesn't want. This saves you loads of time and aggravation).
b) Realize that, hey, he'd never thought of a relationship the way you described itbefore. It actually sounds attractive. Realize that, hey, I really like this girl, and maybe I shouldn't let her go so easily.
c) Figure what the heck and continue calling you with the sole intention of making out. He figures since he made his intentions known, his conscience is clear. (If he does this, he is telling you in no uncertain terms that he is a slime and unworthy of living in your head for one more second.)
Determining whether his behavior falls into b) or c) can be tricky. The key is tomake sure his actions match his words (I mentioned this briefly in an earlier email, but it's critical to your happiness).
If he continues to say he doesn't want a relationship but keeps trying to get physical (or texts you all the time, or shows up unexpectedly with a dopey smileon his face), he's being slimey.
He's not being fair, and he's not being your friend. Hold out for a much better man.
He's out there.
At EVE's Society, we understand that our natural instincts are to want companionship, understanding and happiness in a fulfililng relationship. As single women, we ALSO understand that it is easy for that desire to become overwhelming and cause us to comprimise or settle for less than what we deserve - the desire rules.
But here at EVE's Society, our slogan is WE RULE. We focus on bettering our lives in three easy steps, in turn becoming HAPPY with ourselves whether the "knight in shining or -"newly refurbished armor ever arrives".