Here’s How You Get to be on Millionaire Matchmaker. You Know, Because You’re Probably Wondering.

Gabi Conti“I recently went undercover on Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker and learned the hard way, YOLO does not apply to every life situation, especially when re-runs are involved,” writes blogger Gabi Conti on Hello Giggles, in a post filled with amusingly cringe-worthy detail. (We've reached out to Bravo for comment, and will be sure to update if and when we hear back.) “While I may have embarrassed myself on national television," she continues, "I learned to accept my quarter-life crisis and discovered that it’s okay to be single on Valentine’s Day.” Using Gabi’s account as guidance, we offer you this crib sheet on entering Stanger chambers. Hint: It’s not a task for the faint of heart.

Step 1: Go to an L.A. nightclub. Be sure to project a YOLO ’tude. Get scouted. Say yes.

Step 2: Fill out application stating you are not married, not a convict and that you believe in love at first sight.

Step 3: Get called in for an “audition,” which is really a sizing up, made up of only a photo shoot and a question: How old are you? Brag about being 25.

Step 4: Prepare to meet Patti Stanger. Wear prescribed uniform: dress (not black, white or too busy), heels, striking perfect balance between pricey prostitute and semi-formal sorority sister.

Step 5: Get rounded up into a van with “Hollywood types,” ie women with hair extensions, breast implants, Botox, perfume, Spanx, spray tans, hairspray, Louboutin knockoffs. In other words: desperation. Discover, naively, that most found their way here via LA Casting, an actors’ database.

Step 6: Fill out more paperwork while you wait for The Matchmaker. For “occupation,” put “comedian.” You know, just for laughs.

Are you ready to be stung by the Stang? Photo: Getty ImagesStep 7: Be put into groups of three for the big meeting. Have it slowly dawn on you that you are about half the age of the others. Be told by one competitor that the men are also about 50. Start feeling very nervous. Suspicious, even.

Step 8: Battle with yourself to quiet the lines from “Matchmaker” you are singing in your head. Get thrust into blinding lights, flashbulbs going off in your face. Wonder what you got yourself into. Have Patti command: “You’re a comedian? Make me laugh.” Tell a bad joke as the matchmaker and her crew pantomime extreme boredom. Feel mortified.

Step 9: Feel confused when the cameras start rolling and Patti and crew start acting really nice, telling you you’re “cute,” and, as Patti says, “Adorable!” Then let it all sink in when the cameras roll again and Patti tells you sternly, “Go home,” that you’ve been had. That the joke, this time, is on you, William Hung.

Step 10: Go home. Count yourself lucky. Vow to avoid doing reality TV at all costs. Embrace, for the moment, that you’re single.