Step 1: Go to an L.A. nightclub. Be sure to project a YOLO ’tude. Get scouted. Say yes. Every week on Bravo's "Millionaire Matchmaker," potential suitors are publicly scrutinized, in hopes of landing an introduction to one of Patti Stanger's rich clients. It's hard to look away, and even harder to understand how anyone could be brave enough to face the wrath.
Enter Gabi Conti, a Hello Giggles blogger didn't just go on show as a millionaire suitor, she blogged all about.
“I recently went undercover on Bravo’s 'Millionaire Matchmaker' and learned the hard way, YOLO does not apply to every life situation, especially when re-runs are involved,” writes Conti in a post filled with amusingly cringe-worthy detail. (Bravo hadn't commented on the post as of Thursday.) She continues: “While I may have embarrassed myself on national television, I learned to accept my quarter-life crisis and discovered that it’s okay to be single on Valentine’s Day.”
What follows is Conti's crib sheet on entering Stanger chambers. According to this brave woman, it’s not for the faint of heart.
Step 2: Fill out application stating you are not married, not a convict and that you believe in love at first sight.
Step 3: Get called in for an “audition,” which is really a sizing up, made up of only a photo shoot and a question: How old are you? Brag about being 25.
Step 4: Prepare to meet Patti Stanger. Wear prescribed uniform: dress (not black, white or too busy), heels, striking perfect balance between pricey prostitute and semi-formal sorority sister.
Step 5: Get rounded up into a van with “Hollywood types,” ie women with hair extensions, breast implants, Botox, perfume, Spanx, spray tans, hairspray, Louboutin knockoffs. In other words: desperation. Discover, naively, that most found their way here via LA Casting, an actors’ database.
Step 6: Fill out more paperwork while you wait for The Matchmaker. For “occupation,” put “comedian.” You know, just for laughs.
Step 7: Be put into groups of three for the big meeting. Have it slowly dawn on you that you are about half the age of the others. Be told by one competitor that the men are also about 50. Start feeling very nervous. Suspicious, even.
Step 8: Battle with yourself to quiet the lines from “Matchmaker” you are singing in your head. Get thrust into blinding lights, flashbulbs going off in your face. Wonder what you got yourself into. Have Patti command: “You’re a comedian? Make me laugh.” Tell a bad joke as the matchmaker and her crew pantomime extreme boredom. Feel mortified.
Step 9: Feel confused when the cameras start rolling and Patti and crew start acting really nice, telling you you’re “cute,” and, as Patti says, “Adorable!” Then let it all sink in when the cameras roll again and Patti tells you sternly, “Go home,” that you’ve been had. That the joke, this time, is on you, William Hung.
Step 10: Go home. Count yourself lucky. Vow to avoid doing reality TV at all costs. Embrace, for the moment, that you’re single.