How to Have a Sex Life—and Kids
By Denise Schipani
Once you have a baby, everything changes-your priorities, your sleep schedule, your body…and yes, sex too. But just because it's different doesn't mean that your sex life is over for good, or even that it has to be unsatisfying. A lot depends on you, and how you adjust to new motherhood. "Some women are waiting for things to 'go back' to the way they were before," says Kristen Chase, author of The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex. And, surprise, that usually doesn't happen-and not just because your body's changed. You've changed. A better approach: Acknowledge that your post-baby life, feelings and levels of both energy and desire are different-and move forward from there. Here's how to get your sex-as-parents groove back on.
1. Forget the six-week rule. You may have heard that six weeks after a normal vaginal delivery you'll be physically ready to have sex again. Huh? "Some women really are recovered and ready for sex in six weeks," says Chase, but many are not. So don't compare yourself to what other women say they've done. As with birth itself, everyone's experience varies wildly. Remember, too, that physical readiness is only one factor; you have to be primed emotionally for intimacy, too. To find out the facts versus the fiction, check out The Truth About Sex After Pregnancy. Photo by Shutterstock.
2. Amp up the affection. You work, he works, the kids are demanding and there's always, always laundry. It can be hard, even near impossible, to magically switch gears from pairing socks on the couch to getting down and dirty in bed. But that's much easier if you've been paying attention to each other in little ways throughout the day, says Cami Zimmer, a relationship expert in Minneapolis. Look into each other's eyes, smile, kiss for a beat longer than you usually do when you arrive home. And don't forget the importance of a small act like holding hands. "This simple gesture conveys a sense of closeness and security," says Zimmer. Grabbing his hand while running errands adds a jolt of sentiment. Photo by Shutterstock.
3. Do it for your kids. Moms (and dads) who are happy and content make their kids feel secure, and a big part of marital contentment is a thriving sexual relationship. "I want my kids to think of me in a positive light," says Chase. Put it that way and you have yet one more reason to have sex more often. Photo by Shutterstock.
4. Give yourself a goal. Try a 30-day (or 10, or whatever number you can manage) sex challenge. No, that doesn't have to mean tearing up the sheets every single day for a month. But it does mean thinking, in small or big ways, about sex, your body, your partner and your pleasure every day. "Wear lingerie to bed one night. Or wear a thong all day instead of your regular underwear. Watch a sexy show together on TV," suggests Chase. All these little things (plus, of course, the main event) build on each other. Photo by Shutterstock.
5. Be spontaneous. This doesn't need to be a major move, like booking a romantic vacation, but rather something out-of-the-ordinary to shake up your routine. "It can be as simple as picking up an unfamiliar ingredient at the grocery store and trying a new recipe for dinner," says Zimmer. Or it could be going to a movie you'd never normally see. Any spontaneous thing you do could turn out to be a blast, or maybe even a disaster, but either way, it's something unexpected that you've shared. Photo by Shutterstock.
6. Take care of yourself. That may or may not mean hitting the gym or getting a pedicure-what you do depends on what fits your definition of self-care. "Your own self-esteem and sense of self-worth are directly related to how much sex you have," says Chase. So if self-care means tossing your old undies and buying new ones, or curling up with tea and a good book while the kids nap, do it. Photo by Shutterstock.
7. Rethink date night. A romantic evening for two doesn't have to mean dropping a hundred-plus bucks on a sitter and a meal. You can swap babysitting with a friend and go out, or you can have "date night" at home. "After the kids go to bed, take a bath together, play a game of Scrabble, rent a movie and sit next to each other on the couch, rather than across the room," says Zimmer. Photo by Shutterstock.
8. Get talking. You and your partner may never find that perfect place and time where you're both getting exactly what you need, when you need it. Often, you will have different levels of satisfaction. The best way to handle this conundrum? Communication-and a lot of it. "You both have to figure out what's stopping you from having the sex you want," says Chase. Is it you being too tired-or him not helping out as much as you'd like? Have the things that once reliably turned you on changed? Try to keep the conversation flowing (for pointers, check out How to Talk to Your Husband About Sex). Photo by Shutterstock.
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