How to Have Phone Sex in 10 Easy Steps


You're away on business, you don't know a soul in this town, you're holed up in your hotel room, alone and lonely (read: horny) and because you are a not a cheating scumbag and this isn't Up in the Air, you pick up the phone to call your honey at home in the hopes of a little cellular nookie. But it goes something like this: "I just called, to say, I… um… uh, I was thinking that we could, you know…oh, never mind. How's the weather where you are?" There's nothing like phone sex to make you feel like a gawky teen all over again. Regular sex, you've got down cold: open bottle of wine, play smooth soundtrack, get naked, get busy, rinse, repeat. But fiber-optic relations? The person on the other end of the line could be fully-clothed and watching "American Idol" on mute for all you know. They could be faking, or smirking at your clumsy attempts at dirty talk. Without being in the same room together, performance anxiety is practically inevitable. It can feel like auditioning for a casting director who demands, "Say something sexy!" So here's how to reach out and touch someone successfully:

  1. Plug in your headset to free up your hands and avoid neck cramps.
  2. Hold all calls. Answering call-waiting while tele-sexing-even during tele-foreplay-suggests you've got better things to do, or worse, better people to do.
  3. Once you've dialed the digits, use the "I wish you were here" line as your "in."
  4. Don't immediately break out into your best phone-sex-operator impression. If your partner knows you as the quiet type, suddenly spewing forth a string of obscenities that would make the Osbornes blush might not have the erotic effect you're going for.
  5. Dead air during phone sex can dampen the mood, but some heavy breathing, the occasional moan, or simply whispering their name can fill the awkward silences. Whatever you do, make some noise! Otherwise your partner will think that you're watching TV or doodling on the hotel notepad.
  6. If you'd like to graduate to full sentences but don't know where to start, try reading something sexy over the phone. Tell your partner, "I read this today and thought of you." Then start articulating your desire. The most basic approach is to think of this articulation as narration: you're simply talking about what you'd like to do to them or what you're doing to yourself while you're doing it.
  7. Start with the most basic of terms for each other's genitals and gradually up the ante. Don't worry about creative vocabulary, at least not at first. Once you become more fluent in the language of love, you can get more colorful. As a general rule, the more words a term for the genital contains, the more likely it is to induce giggles or a wince.
  8. To get your partner in on the action, ask them what they're doing. Ask exactly how it feels. Ask what they'd do to you if you weren't a thousand miles away. If your partner is on the shy side, get them talking with a few yes or no questions: "Are you undressed? Does that feel good?"
  9. Whatever you do, don't laugh at anything your partner says, ever; not only will it ruin the mood, it will make them forever self-conscious and inhibited in the verbal sex department.
  10. Whatever you end up saying, say it with confidence and don't censor yourself: If you're embarrassed, then your partner will be embarrassed for (and by) you. Commit to the dirty talk, and you should have an eargasmic experience.

This is our bi-weekly column in Metro; read it in print here

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photo by Janine