How to Keep Sex Sexy: A Guide to Mastering Monogamy

You've heard me say it before -most mammals are not naturally monogamous. And yes, this includes you. So, keeping monogamy satisfying is probably a bit more challenging than you expected it to be - and you are not alone.

Research demonstrates that most couples find sex with the same partner less pleasurable as time passes. BUT there truly are things you can do to counteract this process. One example involves embracing the sexier aspects of sex.

What do I mean by "sexier", exactly? Well, I'm talking about sexual activities that are not a part of your normal routine, and that require you to extend yourself a bit beyond your comfort zone - to your sexual edge. Thus, sexier means something different for everyone, since everyone has a different barometer for determining what is fun between the sheets. Your sexy edge could be:

  • Wearing a garter belt and high heels to bed
  • Going out to dinner without panties
  • Allowing your partner to tie your hands behind your back before making love
  • Blindfolding your lover before going down on him or her
  • Sexting a picture of yourself naked in front of a mirror to your lover
  • Viewing porn together on the internet
  • Masturbating for your partner
  • Making love in front of a mirror and watching the delicious vision of your bodies together
  • Masturbating while on the phone with your lover.

As you can see, the list is endless. All you need is a bit of creativity…and a dose of courage.

It may surprise you to learn that courage is actually a necessary ingredient for edgy sex play. That is because these aspects of sex tend to make us feel vulnerable and exposed. As a result, many people avoid taking their sex lives in this direction because they are afraid of those feelings. Fear is actually a massive motivator for much of our behavior. And sadly, fear probably interferes with your sex life more than you realize!

Your fears can include anything from fears of losing control, to fears of looking unattractive, to anything in between. Fear ultimately causes you to shut down emotionally and physically in an effort to stay safe. That means that you eventually become more rigid and repetitive in your sexual style, and over time, you and your partner get bored.

Unfortunately, this process naturally happens to most couples. This boredom only enhances the natural challenge of keeping a monogamous sexual relationship interesting. And it can lead to libido, erectile, and arousal difficulties. If sex isn't worth wanting, it's very hard to get motivated to have it!

The bottom line is that one way to counteract sexual monotony is by delving into these sexy, edgy territories. Of course, you must feel safe with your partner in order to do so. Opening yourself at this level has the potential for huge payoffs if your relationship is solid and strong. Try it and see! Let us know how it feels to take your sexual relationship to a new, sexier level!

More from Dr. Marianne Brandon:

About the Author:

Dr. Marianne Brandon is a clinical psychologist and Diplomat in sex therapy through AASECT. Dr. Brandon is Director of Wellminds Wellbodies LLC in Annapolis, Maryland. She is author of Monogamy: The Untold Story and co-author with Dr. Andrew Goldstein of Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido.


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