How to Make Nice With His Mom
No matter how fabulous you are, there's a decent chance that your man's mom might be a total beast to you. According to Terri Apter, PhD, author of What Do You Want from Me? Learning to Get Along with In-Laws, 60 percent of women report having a negative relationship with their guy's mother (compared to just 15 percent of men who say they have tension with their significant other's mom). It may not be that she doesn't like you so much as that she's worried he'll need her less with you in his life. And sometimes she "adapts" by being critical, controlling, nosy, invasive...you name it. Save yourself the fury and headaches and be strategic right from the start.
Problems with your own mother? Here's how to talk to her
Be Strong
Some women make the mistake of bending over backward to win a difficult mother's approval. This approach risks her taking advantage of your niceties and becoming a bully. You have to walk the line between acting like an alpha female while also being respectful to her. Without getting up in her face, clearly express what you want. For example, say you're living with your guy and she declares that she's popping in for a last-minute weekend visit, which will mess up plans you already have. Tell her firmly yet nicely, "This weekend doesn't work, but let's get something on the calendar for next month."
Survive any situation
Ask Her for Advice
One reason mothers and girlfriends frequently don't jibe is that his mom is freaking out now that her son has you and thinks she won't be needed anymore. To show her she's still relevant, occasionally turn to her for guidance - like asking her to show you how to make her famous tomato sauce. Just be careful not to request her help too often or she might overstep her boundaries and start giving her opinion about every little thing.
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Refuse to Take the Bait
"My, your dress is tight!" she exclaims while giving you a once-over. Argh! We know it's hard, but if your guy's mom says something out of line, resist snapping back at her. Just as you would with your (least) favorite frenemy, deliver a calm, casual reply, like "It feels just right though. So how was your drive down?" When you act totally unfazed by her nasty comments, she'll realize that she's hitting a wall. And since you're not pushing back, the tension will eventually evaporate. And remember, she's antagonizing you because she's jockeying for power, not because she's evil (we hope!). Ultimately, you two have one major thing in common: You both love her son and want the best for him.
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Enlist Your Guy as Backup
Have you ever had a friend who dropped off the face of the earth after landing a boyfriend, getting so wrapped up in him that she forgot about everyone else? Well, that might be how your guy's mom feels now that he's coupled up. It's unfair, but his mom takes out her frustration about being disconnected from him by acting hostile toward you. The solution? According to Apter, if your man makes her feel included, she'll lighten up. Encourage him to keep her in the loop, like by emailing her once a week with news about what he's been up to or inviting her to dinner from time to time.
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Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
