Is Your Boyfriend Hiding You From His Friends?
Dear What Men Want: I'm a 21-year-old teacher-to-be currently existing as a breathing reminder of all that is Long Island suburbia. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now. After my first college roommate, a wealthy, too-sheltered, only child from Connecticut, brought him back to our closet-sized room and proceeded to pass out (making my now-boyfriend fair game), my instincts made me turn off the lights and turn on the makeout. Long story short, I single-nightedly won him over and soon after began what would turn into an almost blemish-free relationship. It is now three years later and our only issue is one that surfaced early on: a one-way street paved by my friends, and lined with my pride. Whether it's a birthday party, a night out for drinks, or just grabbing a quick bite, my friends always invite my boyfriend and even expect him to attend. But when his friends make the plans, not only is my presence never enthusiastically welcomed, it's not even suggested. Could my boyfriend be embarrassed by me? Is "you can come if you want, babe," an acceptable way to invite your girlfriend to accompany you? When an invitation sounds more like an obligation, I'd rather not be invited at all.
Sincerely,
More Than Just a Girly-Girl
Dear More Than Just a Girly-Girl: I am going to play the percentages here and say no, your boyfriend is not embarrassed by you. You've been together for three years and, from your description, seem to have a solid relationship. However, I think I need to educate women on this topic because it comes up a lot.
I know this is hard for you ladies to understand, but when we hang out with our guy friends we do not want women around. It's not because we don't like you; in fact, it is because we do like you, and we don't want you to see what we are like around our friends. See, "guy time" is the only chance we have to scratch, spit, talk trash, and be insanely vulgar. We get to do and say all the stuff that we can't when you're there. We can be mercilessly obscene around each other. Trust me: You don't want to know your boyfriend during guy time.
I know a bunch of you are probably saying "no, not my boyfriend." Yes. Your boyfriend.
We use guy time as an opportunity to blow off steam so when we return to you we can act like the perfect boyfriend you have always dreamed about.
Men and women are completely different in this regard. When a woman goes out with her friends she wants to bring her guy around and show him off. Boyfriends are like your personal anatomically-correct Ken dolls; you tote them around in front of your friends and give the "doesn't he look cute in this shirt, I picked it out" look and the "yeah, he's funny, I'm great at choosing guys" laugh. It's like a competition between you and your girlfriends.
We're not like that at all. Sure, we'll take our girlfriend with us when all of our friends have their girls there, but when it's just the guys we aren't going to add estrogen to the equation.
We encourage you to hang out with your friends apart from us because we expect the same courtesy. If you constantly have the need to be around your boyfriend at all hours no matter what he is doing, then it's no longer a relationship; it's an obsession. You need to ease up on the cling factor. If your guy needs space to hang out with his friends, let him have it. Your relationship will be stronger for it.
Sorry if this comes off as harsh, but it's something that gets a lot of women in trouble in relationships. It's not about you-- it's about us. When I asked my friend Margo if she thought women should be offended by my response, her exact quote was, "Only if you are a needy little wench." Amen.
If your boyfriend is going out with his guy friends and their girlfriends and not bringing you, then you should worry. But if he's going to hang with the guys and doesn't invite you, it doesn't mean he's a jerk. It means he's normal.
Signing off,
WMW
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