It's Complicated Advice Q&A: "My Husband Told Me I Need to Lose Weight"

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Over the last six years, my husband and I both gained some weight. About nine months ago, he said, "I think we need to go on a diet and lose some weight." We? Anyway, I took it as a hint that he thinks I'm fat. I've lost 45 pounds. He has gained five pounds. I love him no matter what, but I'm mad that he has done nothing. It was his idea. When I suggest he get active with me, something always comes up to stop him. What should I do? Do I tell him it was unfair to say "we" if he had no plans to do anything? Do I tell him it was a low blow to say "we" just so that I would lose some weight?

- K.S., 30, Holland, MO

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Speaking as one who has yet to lose the last 10 pounds of that pesky baby weight (and whose daughter just got her learner's permit), I think you should fall to the ground and kiss your husband's (chubby) feet. I'm only half-joking. As pretty much every weight-loss statistic bears out, losing weight is difficult-verging-on-impossible. Really, it doesn't matter whose idea it was, or even whether he thought you were fat. His initial commitment still helped motivate you to complete your goal, which is cause for celebration.

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That said, have you simply asked him what's going on with him? That's all, just asked - without presuming that it was a secret plot to get you out of your fat pants and into some smokin' hot skinny jeans? It's one of women's great failings as a gender (and I am no exception) that we tend to make assumptions without having all the information; our feelings get hurt, and then we operate out of that wounded feeling.

So if you need to, go ahead: Tell him it was a low blow to suggest that the two of you needed to lose weight. Get that out of your system. But be prepared for him to deny that he had any but the best intentions.

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Regardless of how he responds to you, he's the one who now needs some support, so ask him what didn't work for him on the weight-loss plan. Maybe ask what else you can do to help him drop a few pounds. (Presumably there's already good food around the house and healthy meals on the table, since you were able to lose weight.) Know that in the end, though, he's got to do it on his own, just like you did.

And hey, congratulations!

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Karen Karbo is an award-winning writer and author of The Gospel According to Coco Chanel: Life Lessons from the World's Most Elegant Woman. She's also a mom, a writing teacher, and a horse owner. Check out more advice from Karen.

Need smart advice?
Whatever's bugging or perplexing you - about your friends, brother, sister, parents, in-laws, husband, you name it - REDBOOK's Karen Karbo has the smart advice you need. Email your questions, rants, and worries to her at karenkarbo@redbookmag.com and please include your initials, age, city and state. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.

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