Johnny Depp named 'Sexiest Man Alive': Is he?

Yesterday, there were rumors all over the interwebs that, as is its wont, People magazine had chosen a man to represent all the sexiness in the land, and that man was none other than sparkly unshowered vampire, Robert Pattinson. However...those rumors were not true! It was all a hoax! Turns out, People went with a much a safer choice, pirate/gangster/almost-French dude Johnny Depp, who's actually donning the 'Sexiest Man Alive' crown for a second term (his first was in 2003).

The 46-year-old actor was chosen, according to People, for "bringing the fun with him wherever he goes," and though he is in fact very sexy, Depp looks a little dopey and embarrassed in the cover shot, with the kind of bemused, blank expression perhaps last seen on Sean Penn in I Am Sam. Or Snoopy.

Anyhoo. Other sexiest man contenders include Ryan Reynolds ("he's very loyal and trustworthy"), Jake Gyllenhaal ("he plays guitar and has a great voice"), Bradley Cooper, Robert Downey Jr., David Beckham, Nick Cannon, Adam Lambert, Jerry O'Connell, John Legend, and, yes, Robert Pattinson.

Though all of these men are undeniably attractive, we can't help but wonder what this collection of lust objects says about American women. Where's the grit? Where's the danger? From a wan teenage vampire to an array of Ken-doll like leading men and a singer who wears eyeliner, the People sexiest list is made up of a sort of watered-down, over-styled essence of man--there's not a raw, smoldering, or even faintly rugged hunk in the bunch.

So the question becomes: Do we like our fantasy males safe and unthreatening? Or did People mag miss the mark?