How Long is TOO Long for an Engagement?

April Daniels Hussar,SELF magazine

The Five-Year Engagement, starring Jason Segel and Emily Blunt, might have been something of a box-office dud this weekend, but real women everywhere can certainly relate to the phenomenon of the Little Commitment That Couldn't. When it comes to the "journey between popping the question and tying the knot" (as the movie poster says), how long is too long after he puts a ring on it for you to start worrying you're never going to get to your first dance?

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"A normal, healthy amount of time to be engaged is a year to a year and a half," dating and relationship coach DeAnna Lorraine tells HealthySELF. The longer it takes beyond that point, she says, the less of a chance the wedding will actually happen. "When an engagement is too long, like in the movie, more fights and disagreements tend to break out over wedding details and expenses, and also like the movie, issues such as job challenges, possible relocations and doubt -- aka 'cold feet' -- are more likely to occur," she says.

So what are some of the reasons an engagement can start getting drawn out? "Most women assume that once their man proposes, they are 'safe' and it'll be smooth sailing from then on out until the wedding and beyond," says Lorraine. "But, a lot can come between a couple and a wedding."

According to Lorraine, there a few main reasons that engagements can start to turn into a never-ending process. First of all -- the wedding itself can cause fights and disagreements. "When you drag out the wedding process, you have much more time to think about things and RE-decide things, and mull over every little detail and nuance," says Lorraine. "This can be excruciating, especially for the groom who usually prefers to just 'get it done.'"

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Another potential issue: the Bridezilla. "Formerly normal, 'sane' women often suddenly turn into emotional 'Bridezillas' after the man proposes," says Lorraine (and we've known a few Groomzillas, too). This can turn into a situation where she's pressuring her groom more and more for a wedding date, and, between the pressuring and the planning process, Lorraine explains, many women start exhibiting obsessive and unattractive behaviors, which may make her fiance start re-thinking the wedding. "He starts thinking, 'Who is this wedding and detail-obsessed, bridal magazine-reading woman -- and where is the girl I used to just have fun with on Friday nights?'"

So what should you do if you fear you and your would-be spouse are headed down this thorny path instead of a rose-strewn aisle?

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In order to get your engagement moving forward, set up a nice, long relaxing dinner or an overnight getaway just for you and your man, advises Lorraine. "Because of all the tension and pressure that's been building up with the planning process, you both need a little break to just reconnect, have fun again and remember what the wedding is all about," she suggests. "Remind him of the wonderful and fun-loving girl he proposed to."

Then, set aside some time to knock out those pending decisions that have been stalling the wedding process in a way that works for both of you and is going to add the least amount of stress to both of your lives. "Be willing to make some compromises over the details or the date if you need to," Lorraine says. "That way, you can get back on the same page again and move forward with the process, feeling connected and passionate about going through with the wedding -- and the rest of your happily ever after."


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