LOVE HOROSCOPE: Seeing Stars for the Week of August 4th

Em and Lo

Summertime, and the horoscopes are sleazy...

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Usually we're all for jumping in the deep end with both feet. But we feel it's our responsibility to tell you that some little dude just took a piss in the Relationship Pool. Best to wait a while, let the chlorine kick in, and then test the waters with your toe for warm spots. Plus, you just ate and you need to digest.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Going green this week will help your sex life. Turn off your air conditioner. You and your loved one will be forced to take your clothes off. Plus, all that naked skin glistening with sweat will be begging to be touched with an ice cube. Hot!

[Video:Green Sex Toys at Babeland]

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It's summer, dude, why overanalyze everything? Why not focus on your partner for a change, instead of "the state of the relationship." Don't put this paramour under the microscope just yet--they're not ready for your pessimistic and picky questions and observations. That's what September's for.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can't hide this feeling anymore. You've forgotten what you started fighting for. All you know is, it's summer and you want to get l-a-i-d. Don't hide your burning flames of lust under a jar (how does that metaphor go again?)--your uncorkable horniness will be exactly what attracts the hotties this week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you can share your intellectual dreams with someone, they may be The One. If you can only bear to talk to them for more than an hour at a time, they might do nicely for a summer fling.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You've been standing at the edge of the pool for weeks now while your partner beckons you in. Are you ready, you've been wondering? Is it really the right time to wrestle naked in Jell-O together? To role-play that farmer/runaway pig scenario? Yes! It's time! Just be sure to close the blinds first. Unless you're into that kind of thing.

[Video: A trip to Babeland yields demos of unintimidating, kinky toys.]

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your independent and confident approach to life will attract any lover you want this week. Choose wisely and it could turn into a long-lasting relationship. Choose poorly and you'll spend an excruciating evening hearing about the nasty fungal infection your date contracted at the public swimming pool. But look on the bright side: we don't think fungal infections are contagious.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Scorpio, will you lighten up already? It's summer, dude! Drink a tall one, veg in the sunshine, drive with the windows open instead of turning on the AC for once. You know: go nuts. Because it's your subtle yet distinct nutty side that is going to attract someone interesting this week

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars can be so high and mighty--but that's because they're so far away. They see the big picture, they see what's important. Unlike you, who can only see the total hottie in front of (or sitting on) your face. But be warned, falling for someone just for their looks will only end up biting you in the butt (regardless of whether your hottie is into heiney hickeys). So please be deeper than a kiddie pool.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Remember that old Bryan Adams video? (No, not Ryan Adams, Bryan with "B"--yes, we're that old. So old in fact, that we're thoroughly enjoying VH1's I Love the '80s series.) Anyway, we're talking about the video with the hottest pock-face in music standing at the bottom of an indoor pool, sans water. "Cut's Like a Knife," that's it. The video had this woman change into her bathing suit, climb the ladder to the diving board, and then jump off into the concrete pool. Next we see her climb out of the pool, miraculously unscathed and soaking wet. Like magic. Still with us? Okay, you are the chick in the video. But you don't have magical powers. So the next time you jump head first into the pool of love before checking whether or not there's any water in it, you might end up seriously hurt. The lesson to be learned here? Wait at least 15 minutes after eating before you go swimming.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You're not asking that much, really. Just someone special to share life goals, someone to rub sunscreen on your back, someone to split a banana split with. That's not too much to hope for, is it? If you only had a soulmate, or at least a summer fling, then every little thing would be all right. All your troubles would just melt away. Well, there's a support group for that, and you know where they meet? Out. At bars. And sporting events. And parties. So get out and mingle like your life (or at least your sex life) depends on it. Because it does.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don't have sex on the beach. You'll never get all the sand out.

MORE FROM DAILY BEDPOST AND GLAMOUR: